I hesitate to tell this story because some of you will not believe me.... some may think I'm crazy.... but others will believe with all their heart, be encouraged beyond words and will be touched knowing that they truly do not walk alone.
If you read my last post, my Soap Box post, you know about my daily walking. I walk on the rail trail nearly every single day and I walk typically about 7.5 miles a day. During the summer, I walk early in the morning and I'm usually alone. I was considering carrying a concealed weapon, but found that due to my eye condition, I may not be considered for a concealed weapons permit. I've got some additional information on that though, which I will share later. It may be possible for me to get one. That is not the point of this post though.
Before I go into the story, I need to give a little background. First of all, I'm an impatient person. My fuse is short and I know it. I anger quickly. This is not a characteristic of a good Christian, and it does not do justice to the Holy Spirit that lives in me. It is part of me... I've been like this my whole life. I'm a determined person and I've always just had a short fuse. That being said, I know it is wrong and I know with the power of Christ I can change. I know I can't do it on my own. I always knew that I was quick tempered but I never really focused on it. It (for the most part) served me well at work. I was able to make decisions, stick by them, and defend them - and I could do it quickly. Looking back, I probably shut people down more often than not and I probably was not the easiest person in the world to talk to. When I started to be at home full time, it became apparent to me that my fuse was REALLY short. I lived a regimented life for a long time. Everything was done by a schedule and that schedule revolved around work. Everything else fell into place around work. Suddenly I was in a situation where work - the anchor of my daily schedule - was taken away. I found myself ill at ease. I also found myself being short with the kids.
It certainly was a stressful time for me, but I am not able to use that as an excuse. One day it hit me - I NEED to change. Knowing I could not do it on my own, I made a commitment to myself to pray each morning that God would give me the patience I needed for that day... not for the rest of my life raising my children, not for a week, but just for that day. And I would repeat that same prayer every morning. It began to work. I persevered and so did God. He daily gives me the strength I need to change. He fills me each morning with His peace and it really has changed my interactions with the children. I could not have done it on my own, and I won't be able to do it tomorrow if I don't get up and ask God for help. I certainly have times where I do lose my temper, but the times are much, much fewer. I attribute it only to God.
I tell that story as a prelude to the next one. The point of it is, God will answer your prayers. He answers them in due time. In HIS time and at the perfect time. I don't always get the answer to prayer that I want, but when you are asking for something like patience to raise your children, something that is clearly within God's will, something He would applaud, then surely He will answer you and provide abundantly.... at least for that day. He considers tomorrow, tomorrow.
There is another thing that I petition God for every single day. And this is where the second story comes into play. Just remember, it's my story. I experienced it. Whether you believe it or not, it happened. I know it happened because it happened to me. It's not anything super dramatic, but there is NO question in my mind what was happening, and I knew it right when it happened. So, here's how it goes.
During the school year, when the kids were off to school and Tim was off to work I would walk to the gym with Sara. I'd take a class, she would go into the childcare area during my class and then we would walk home. We did it nearly every day. We were on the trail ALOT! Usually it was just me and Sara. I began to worry about what would happen if someone tried to do something to me or more importantly tried to do something when I had Sara with me. It's when I began considering carrying a concealed weapon.
Since you have to take a class, apply for the license, etc to carry a concealed weapon, it's not something that can be taken care of instantaneously. While I was researching my options I wanted to do SOMETHING. My first thought was to pray for protection as we walked. I added this to the list of things that I prayed for each morning. I would get up and as I was getting ready to go out, I'd have a discussion with God, always remembering those two specific requests... to give me patience for the day and protection as we walked.
As summer came and the kids were home, I started to walk longer distances and for the most part, I was walking it alone. I get up in the morning, head out the door with my iPod and my shoes tied tight and usually walk right around 7.5 miles. I love it. It's time to myself to clear my head, gather my thoughts, breathe some fresh air and get some exercise. I do it early while it is cooler. Sometimes I find myself walking down the trail and I have, in my haste to get out the door, I put my discussion with God on the back burner and then forgotten about it. It's sad, but it's true. There were many times when I was walking that I'd be on my way home and I'd finally remember. I'd thank God for the safety He had given me to that point and ask for safety for the duration of the walk, and of-course patience with the kiddos.
For some reason, one day I started to be more specific in my request to God. I think it was after I came upon the police on the trail looking for a burglar who had been caught trying to break into a home and used the trail as an escape route. I'm not sure though. Anyway, with regard to my protection on the walk I started to be more specific with God. I asked that I not walk alone. I asked that if there was someone that I encountered that meant to do me harm, to not let them see me alone. Send an angel to walk with me and protect me. Silly as it is, I asked for a big, burly, scary looking person that NO ONE would want to mess with. I didn't have to see my protector, but whoever was out there with the intent to do me harm, let them see the angel with me and continue on without harming me. I truly believed God would protect me on my walks.
So, I've been meeting God in the morning with these same two petitions for months. Maybe even six months. It's been a long time and literally it has been daily. Each day I walk, I never forget. Sometimes it doesn't happen until I'm part way through my walk, but every time, it happens and I ask for these two things - patience and protection.
One day last week I was out walking. It was raining, but it wasn't down pouring, so I decided not to let the rain keep me in. I decided to walk anyway. I was one of the few people out walking that morning. Typically there are lots of people on the trail which adds to my feeling of security. If something were to happen, there are enough people there that someone would see it. This day however, I think I ran into a total of two people on the 7.5 mile walk.
Part of my route goes through a wooded area. It's probably about a quarter of a mile through the woods and it's about half way through my walk. I go through the woods twice - once on the way out and once on the way back home.
On this particular day, since it was raining and there was no one else out on the trail, I turned my music up high and just enjoyed the cool rain on me and the walk alone. I normally keep my music low and even only put one ear bud in, not only for safety sake, but to hear people who are coming up behind me or towards me so I can move out of their way if they are running or riding a bike or whatever. This day though, there was no one out there and I put both my ear buds in and turned the music up loud.
As I was going through the wooded area I started to feel "strange". There is no other way to explain it. You know that sensation when you can "feel" someone watching you? You can't describe it... it's more a "sense" than a "feeling", but either way, you know it. The "feeling" that I got was something similar to that. Like someone was watching me - but different somehow. Whatever it was, it brought me to attention. I was alerted to what was happening around me.
Part way through the woods there is a wooden bridge. I was about to the bridge when I got this "feeling". I kept walking normally but I reached down and turned my iPod down and pulled one of the ear buds out of my ear. I was about a quarter of the way over the bridge when I turned the music down and pulled the ear bud out. As I continued to walk over the bridge, with the music down low and my ear bud out, I heard my footsteps on the wooden bridge. Normally when I'm walking I'll hear my footsteps as there is a lull in the music when the songs are changing - just the soothing "swishing" of repetitive footsteps...When I pulled the ear bud out though, I heard not only my footsteps, but another set. They were walking the EXACT same pace as me, just about a half step off of my repetitive pace, but with the same cadence. There was something about the additional steps though that were different. They were softer than mine - almost like the steps of a child rather than an adult. Same pace, same cadence - just softer. And I couldn't really tell where they were coming from.
Immediately my heart rate quickened. I was in the woods and it was in the early morning so it was still a bit dim. I had been watching around me, but not intently because there was no one on the trail. I immediately turned around to see who was behind me on the bridge. I was surprised to see that there was no one there, but the cadence of the additional footsteps continued over the remaining length of the bridge. They stopped when I reached the other side and the strange "feeling" I had of someone watching me was gone.
It was one of those moments where you kind of look around wondering what just happened. I continued walking, one ear bud in my hand thinking "WHAT in the world". It took me only a few steps to realize what exactly had just happened.
And this is where I don't care if you believe me or not. I don't care if you go visit the bridge and seek to find a physical answer to what I know was a spiritual experience. I don't care if you think I'm crazy or even certifiable. You can believe me or not - it does't matter. I just have a story to tell. It happened to me and I'll forever believe what happened. I firmly believe that God showed me that day, when I was all alone, with no one else on the trail - so there would be no question as to if it was the footsteps of another person - that He heard me every day. That He has sent a protector to walk with me. The "feeling" I got, that nudged me into turning my music down and pulling out my ear bud was from God, I'm sure of it. Had I not done that, I would not have heard the footsteps alongside of mine. They were at a perfect pace with mine, just a half-step off, so I could hear distinctly that there was another set of steps. There was no one out there to give me the "feeling" or sense of someone staring at me. It was me alone on the bridge. When I heard the steps and turned around there was no one. No one in front, no one behind me - yet the footsteps continued the length of the bridge. Once off the bridge they were gone, and so was the eerie feeling.
Maybe you don't believe in angels sent to protect. I do. I literally spoke the same prayer to God daily for months and there on that day, alone on the trail so as to not be mistaken for another person, God showed me that He heard me. Whether I hear the footsteps with me or not, God is protecting me. The footsteps did not continue beyond the bridge - not through the wooded trail, not on the track around the gym, and they weren't there when I walked back over the bridge on the way home - but I'm completely convinced that there was someone there with me. That God heard, that God answered and that God used that day and that bridge to tell me that He heard and he answered. If someone is out there, meaning to do me harm, they will not see me walking alone. I'm sure of it! I always have company.
It gives me the chills to just think about it and recount the story. That Sunday in church it was also no coincidence that we were studying Psalm 4. Psalm 4:8 says "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety". It tied up the whole experience for me. My days are numbered. God alone knows the number of my days. He alone has the power to protect me. He knows my beginning and my end. I went to the right source for my protection.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't be smart in protecting yourself or that you can be reckless in regard to your own personal safety - but once you have been reasonable, know that God will protect you. It became so clear to me that day on my walk. It may sound silly, but if you were there, if it happened to you and you were as convinced as I am (I can not be convinced of any other source for the footsteps) that God gave me an audible answer to prayer that day, you would not find it silly and you too would want to tell the story. Our God is awesome! He is working with me to ease my quick temper and providing safety as I walk... both answers to daily prayer!
In Christ I never walk alone!
Charity
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
The Soap Box
As you can see by the title of this post, this is my "soap box" post. I don't get on a soap box very often, but when something gets under my skin, I sometimes just have to say something about it. If you don't like "soap boxes" you can feel free to stop reading. Also, if you don't like my opinion on what I am about to say, then feel free to share that in the comments, but please do it politely. Also, if you have not walked a mile in my shoes (or someone like me) and have a strong opinion, you might want to consider what life might be like from "this" side... at least consider it before you share how my thoughts are wrong.
Anyone who knows me, obviously knows about my eye condition. I mean, I had to quit working recently, I have not driven a car in almost 12 years (except for a few "joy rides" through the neighborhood - but it's been awhile for those) and I have a Leader Dog. It's no secret that I'm "blind".
First, let's start with "blind". Most people, when they think of blind think of Mary on Little House on the Prairie, or Helen Keller. Well, to tell you the truth, most blind people are not like either one of them. I am no exception. Most "blind" people are not completely blind, unable to see anything. Most blind people have some residual sight. Many can see colors and/or shapes, distinguish people from one another... In my case, I have about 20/40 vision in the visual field that I have. The problem for me is, that my visual field is very small. I have about 8-10 degrees of vision compared to about 180 degrees for a normal sighted person. So "blind" doesn't always mean blind!
Because of the fact that I don't drive, I tend to walk places a lot. I walk anywhere from 8-10 miles a day, and that is just what I walk for exercise. If I need to go somewhere, and I want to go on my own, and if I can, I will walk there. Many times my husband will take me, or a friend, but sometimes I just like to go places on my own. There is a gym that I go to by our home. It is about 2 1/2 miles from our house. I can get to the gym on the rail trail behind our home, through a wooded area that ends on a track at the gym. I go to the gym almost every day, so I'm on this trail frequently. Many times I am alone. I sometimes walk the trail with Chara (if I'm going a shorter distance) and many times I'm with my children. Sometimes Tim will go with me on the weekends, but for the most part, during the summer, I walk alone. It's too hot here for Chara to walk as far as I want to walk.
The other day a friend was telling me that she heard about some things that had happened on the rail trail recently. I had not heard anything about it. I don't know if it's true or not, but if it is, it's pretty bad. It got me to thinking. The fact that I walk alone on the trail started to bother me. I feel as though it is pretty safe, especially because there are always plenty of people on the trail - but still, it made me think. If something were to happen with me or the children, what would I do? There was also an event that happened a few weeks ago when I was walking. I had gone to the gym and took Sara with me. She goes to the childcare area while I take a class. On the way home, we got onto the trail and up ahead of us I saw police on 4 wheelers, police cars, police on foot as well as some running dogs. A gentleman stopped me and told me what was going on. There was someone that attempted to break into a house in a neighborhood that backs up to the trail. Someone caught him in the middle of trying to break in and he took off and used the rail trail as a way to escape. So, we stayed around the police cars until they cleared the area and opened up the trail again. Again, that made me think.
I've never let my vision impairment interfere or alter my life in any way that was not absolutely necessary. I defied the directive of the doctors who told me that I should change my career field (Chemistry) only six months after graduating from college. I didn't listen to them and had 20 years of a successful, responsible career. I only recently had to leave my job due to the vision loss. I understand though my limitations and only embrace them when it's appropriate. For example, I understand my inability to drive. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. In fact, I stopped driving about six months before I actually had to - I did not want to jeopardize the life of someone else for a selfish reason like wanting to maintain my ability to drive. I'm a very responsible person and would never put others in danger.
I talked to a friend of mine whose husband works in law enforcement. I asked him if, due to my eye condition, if I would be able to qualify for a concealed weapon permit (CWP). He talked to some people and told me that no, I could not get a CWP because of my vision loss. The state finds it too risky to assume liability in the case where I might inadvertently shoot the wrong person because of my vision loss.
It kind of made me mad. I have a right to bear arms. I have a right to be able to defend myself and the state is haphazardly taking that right away. In order to qualify for a CWP you need a valid driver's license, you need to take a class, pass a written test, pass a field shooting test and have a clear criminal record. The only issue I have is that I don't have a valid driver's license. I do however have a valid state issued ID.
I know some people would think "I think the state is right! I don't want someone with a visual impairment to have a concealed weapon"!
For those who feel that way, please let me enlighten you. It wasn't long ago that I was a hunter. I hunted deer and I was very successful. I quit several years ago because I no longer felt it was safe for me to be out in the woods with a gun... NOT because I could no longer use a gun, but because in addition to my vision loss, I also have limited night vision. Traveling in and out of the woods at dawn and dusk became difficult and I ran the risk of tripping on something, falling and hurting myself. So, I quit. When I shot though, I was a GREAT shot. I know, I know... it was with a rifle and not a pistol, but still, I was a good shot. I was more accurate and precise than people who were shooting for literally at least a decade longer than I had been.
Also, did you know that competitive shooters often wear blinders when they are shooting? They do this to eliminate the distraction of the things that are going on around them while they are shooting, so they can focus solely on the target. Well guess what? I have built in blinders! I think I missed my calling as a professional competitive shooter because God gave me the built in blinders. I think it would give me too much of an unfair advantage though - and I don't think it's a very lucrative job :)
So, here's my point. If I have a valid state issued ID, I take a class, pass a written test, have a clear criminal record and pass the field shooting test - why is it that I can't have a CWP? What would be the reason? I understand, and would even submit to the fact that my vision could change more frequently than an average person's vision, so I would be willing to have to renew my CWP more frequently, but if I can pass, I see no reason to deny me a permit and the right to defend myself and my family.
And with regard to the liability... I wonder how liable the state will feel when something happens to me or my family, and I could not defend us because I was not given the right to carry a weapon outside of my home. What will the liability for the state be then? From my perspective, they would be very liable. I hope I never have to find that out.
Oh, and the person who tries to do something to us on the trail... my guess is that they don't have a permit for the weapon that they are going to pull out and assault us with. Yet it would be so awful for someone with a vision impairment to have a permit to defend themselves from someone with criminal intent? I don't think so.
This issue feels to me like discrimination. People with disabilities should have the same rights as others, unless there is a good reason to deny them their rights. If giving them their rights would put others in harms way, or deny others their rights, then it shouldn't happen. Giving me a CWP, assuming I can pass the same acceptance criteria that is used to judge the suitability of every other person that has a permit, would not put anyone in harms way or deny them their rights! I'm not asking for special treatment - I'm just asking for equal treatment. If I can pass an equal test, why not give me equal rights.
I was so bothered by this fact, that as we were sitting at the dinner table one evening, I told Tim that I should file a lawsuit against the state for denying me the opportunity to my right to bear arms. Cameron chimed in and was horrified - "you are not really going to do that, are you mom". Ok, probably not - but then I thought, why not? I don't feel as though the state is acting in a reasonable manner. If I sit back and just let it happen, things will never change. I will have accepted something that in my eyes is incredibly wrong. I feel like it's a bad example for my kids for me to just sit back and accept something that is wrong. It would take a lot of thinking for me to go the route of challenging the state though. It isn't out of the realm of possibility though.
Maybe you have a different opinion. If so, please feel free to share it. Again though - please just do it politely. No one can understand blindness until you have lived with it. There are so many issues associated with it, you could never touch the surface in a simple blog post. Blindness impacts every area of your life - independence, work, family, freedom - and apparently some of your rights as well. I understand the necessary restrictions.... it's the unnecessary restrictions that I have a problem with. I don't give into "limitations" lightly. I do all that I can do, until the minute I literally CAN'T do it anymore. There are enough areas of my life where I do not have the right or freedom to do something. This should NOT be one of them.
I'm now stepping down from my soap box. I don't get on the box often, but I feel it's an important enough issue to discuss.
And for anyone on the trail who decides they can mess with me because they now know that I do not have the right to carry a concealed weapon - just for the record, I am allowed to carry a taser, and it's not too comfortable if I use it on you. Apparently I have the right to disable you for a period of time, but not the right to remove you as a threat to my life or the life of my family. Also for the record - when Tim is with me, he has the right to carry a weapon.... just sayin'
In Christ,
Charity
Anyone who knows me, obviously knows about my eye condition. I mean, I had to quit working recently, I have not driven a car in almost 12 years (except for a few "joy rides" through the neighborhood - but it's been awhile for those) and I have a Leader Dog. It's no secret that I'm "blind".
First, let's start with "blind". Most people, when they think of blind think of Mary on Little House on the Prairie, or Helen Keller. Well, to tell you the truth, most blind people are not like either one of them. I am no exception. Most "blind" people are not completely blind, unable to see anything. Most blind people have some residual sight. Many can see colors and/or shapes, distinguish people from one another... In my case, I have about 20/40 vision in the visual field that I have. The problem for me is, that my visual field is very small. I have about 8-10 degrees of vision compared to about 180 degrees for a normal sighted person. So "blind" doesn't always mean blind!
Because of the fact that I don't drive, I tend to walk places a lot. I walk anywhere from 8-10 miles a day, and that is just what I walk for exercise. If I need to go somewhere, and I want to go on my own, and if I can, I will walk there. Many times my husband will take me, or a friend, but sometimes I just like to go places on my own. There is a gym that I go to by our home. It is about 2 1/2 miles from our house. I can get to the gym on the rail trail behind our home, through a wooded area that ends on a track at the gym. I go to the gym almost every day, so I'm on this trail frequently. Many times I am alone. I sometimes walk the trail with Chara (if I'm going a shorter distance) and many times I'm with my children. Sometimes Tim will go with me on the weekends, but for the most part, during the summer, I walk alone. It's too hot here for Chara to walk as far as I want to walk.
The other day a friend was telling me that she heard about some things that had happened on the rail trail recently. I had not heard anything about it. I don't know if it's true or not, but if it is, it's pretty bad. It got me to thinking. The fact that I walk alone on the trail started to bother me. I feel as though it is pretty safe, especially because there are always plenty of people on the trail - but still, it made me think. If something were to happen with me or the children, what would I do? There was also an event that happened a few weeks ago when I was walking. I had gone to the gym and took Sara with me. She goes to the childcare area while I take a class. On the way home, we got onto the trail and up ahead of us I saw police on 4 wheelers, police cars, police on foot as well as some running dogs. A gentleman stopped me and told me what was going on. There was someone that attempted to break into a house in a neighborhood that backs up to the trail. Someone caught him in the middle of trying to break in and he took off and used the rail trail as a way to escape. So, we stayed around the police cars until they cleared the area and opened up the trail again. Again, that made me think.
I've never let my vision impairment interfere or alter my life in any way that was not absolutely necessary. I defied the directive of the doctors who told me that I should change my career field (Chemistry) only six months after graduating from college. I didn't listen to them and had 20 years of a successful, responsible career. I only recently had to leave my job due to the vision loss. I understand though my limitations and only embrace them when it's appropriate. For example, I understand my inability to drive. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. In fact, I stopped driving about six months before I actually had to - I did not want to jeopardize the life of someone else for a selfish reason like wanting to maintain my ability to drive. I'm a very responsible person and would never put others in danger.
I talked to a friend of mine whose husband works in law enforcement. I asked him if, due to my eye condition, if I would be able to qualify for a concealed weapon permit (CWP). He talked to some people and told me that no, I could not get a CWP because of my vision loss. The state finds it too risky to assume liability in the case where I might inadvertently shoot the wrong person because of my vision loss.
It kind of made me mad. I have a right to bear arms. I have a right to be able to defend myself and the state is haphazardly taking that right away. In order to qualify for a CWP you need a valid driver's license, you need to take a class, pass a written test, pass a field shooting test and have a clear criminal record. The only issue I have is that I don't have a valid driver's license. I do however have a valid state issued ID.
I know some people would think "I think the state is right! I don't want someone with a visual impairment to have a concealed weapon"!
For those who feel that way, please let me enlighten you. It wasn't long ago that I was a hunter. I hunted deer and I was very successful. I quit several years ago because I no longer felt it was safe for me to be out in the woods with a gun... NOT because I could no longer use a gun, but because in addition to my vision loss, I also have limited night vision. Traveling in and out of the woods at dawn and dusk became difficult and I ran the risk of tripping on something, falling and hurting myself. So, I quit. When I shot though, I was a GREAT shot. I know, I know... it was with a rifle and not a pistol, but still, I was a good shot. I was more accurate and precise than people who were shooting for literally at least a decade longer than I had been.
Also, did you know that competitive shooters often wear blinders when they are shooting? They do this to eliminate the distraction of the things that are going on around them while they are shooting, so they can focus solely on the target. Well guess what? I have built in blinders! I think I missed my calling as a professional competitive shooter because God gave me the built in blinders. I think it would give me too much of an unfair advantage though - and I don't think it's a very lucrative job :)
So, here's my point. If I have a valid state issued ID, I take a class, pass a written test, have a clear criminal record and pass the field shooting test - why is it that I can't have a CWP? What would be the reason? I understand, and would even submit to the fact that my vision could change more frequently than an average person's vision, so I would be willing to have to renew my CWP more frequently, but if I can pass, I see no reason to deny me a permit and the right to defend myself and my family.
And with regard to the liability... I wonder how liable the state will feel when something happens to me or my family, and I could not defend us because I was not given the right to carry a weapon outside of my home. What will the liability for the state be then? From my perspective, they would be very liable. I hope I never have to find that out.
Oh, and the person who tries to do something to us on the trail... my guess is that they don't have a permit for the weapon that they are going to pull out and assault us with. Yet it would be so awful for someone with a vision impairment to have a permit to defend themselves from someone with criminal intent? I don't think so.
This issue feels to me like discrimination. People with disabilities should have the same rights as others, unless there is a good reason to deny them their rights. If giving them their rights would put others in harms way, or deny others their rights, then it shouldn't happen. Giving me a CWP, assuming I can pass the same acceptance criteria that is used to judge the suitability of every other person that has a permit, would not put anyone in harms way or deny them their rights! I'm not asking for special treatment - I'm just asking for equal treatment. If I can pass an equal test, why not give me equal rights.
I was so bothered by this fact, that as we were sitting at the dinner table one evening, I told Tim that I should file a lawsuit against the state for denying me the opportunity to my right to bear arms. Cameron chimed in and was horrified - "you are not really going to do that, are you mom". Ok, probably not - but then I thought, why not? I don't feel as though the state is acting in a reasonable manner. If I sit back and just let it happen, things will never change. I will have accepted something that in my eyes is incredibly wrong. I feel like it's a bad example for my kids for me to just sit back and accept something that is wrong. It would take a lot of thinking for me to go the route of challenging the state though. It isn't out of the realm of possibility though.
Maybe you have a different opinion. If so, please feel free to share it. Again though - please just do it politely. No one can understand blindness until you have lived with it. There are so many issues associated with it, you could never touch the surface in a simple blog post. Blindness impacts every area of your life - independence, work, family, freedom - and apparently some of your rights as well. I understand the necessary restrictions.... it's the unnecessary restrictions that I have a problem with. I don't give into "limitations" lightly. I do all that I can do, until the minute I literally CAN'T do it anymore. There are enough areas of my life where I do not have the right or freedom to do something. This should NOT be one of them.
I'm now stepping down from my soap box. I don't get on the box often, but I feel it's an important enough issue to discuss.
And for anyone on the trail who decides they can mess with me because they now know that I do not have the right to carry a concealed weapon - just for the record, I am allowed to carry a taser, and it's not too comfortable if I use it on you. Apparently I have the right to disable you for a period of time, but not the right to remove you as a threat to my life or the life of my family. Also for the record - when Tim is with me, he has the right to carry a weapon.... just sayin'
In Christ,
Charity
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Counting it all JOY
I'm working my way through the Beth Moore bible study "Mercy Triumphs" studying the book of James. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Right off the bat, James slaps you in the face with that.... seemingly ridiculous statement. Who in the world is going to look at their trials and "consider it pure joy"? Not just something good for you, or acceptable - but James says to consider it pure joy.... not even just plain old joy - but PURE joy.
I'll tell you something, that's not an easy thing to do. Especially in the midst of your trial. Maybe when your trial is over and you look back and see maybe how you have grown through it... but smack dab in the middle of it? There were many times in my life when I've gone through some pretty rough stuff. Mild by comparison to the lives of many, but tragic to my own world. I never counted it joy. And lately, I must be the world's most joyful person for all the trials I'm going through.... and since I'm still standing and working my way through the trial - either I'm lacking a whole bunch, or there was more work to be done in me than I had ever anticipated, because I don't plan on the trial going away anytime soon, and persevere I must - so I must have been lacking a whole bunch to start with!
JOY. It's kind of an interesting word. The dictionary defines it as "happiness, elation, glad-feeling". So, in the middle of a trial, I should be happy??? What in the world?
I've thought and thought about this statement though. The point of the trial, if handled appropriately, is to finish a work in me. Persevere through the trial and the end result will be a better me! I can appreciate that. But, how can someone really be joyful during a trial?
I tried to think back on my life for a time where I was going through a trial and might have been joyful. It was difficult to come up with an example... but after wracking my brain and initially going back nearly 13 years, I found an example. The birth of my son (not that labor is a "trial" per se, but it's just my example). Trust me, it was trying! 22 hours of labor, 2 1/2 hours of trying to get the kid out only to end up with a c-section because my loving son found it nice and cozy living in his mom! It was miserable.... but I don't recall ever once being anything but full of joy at what was happening. Why? Because I was being transformed! I was being transformed from just a person to a mother. I knew the end result and it was good. I could hold onto JOY during that trial because of what was to come... certainly not because of what I was going through at the time, but definitely for the transformation taking place and the reward at the end.
So, I started thinking more about that. You can have JOY during the toughest trials if you separate your heart attitude from the trial at hand. Joy can and should be independent of the circumstances you are going through. Just like labor. There is no joy in labor if not for the transformation taking place. I mean really! The pain is not all that glorious. But... I found joy in it!
So, what about the trials in my life now? What about the trials in the lives of some of my friends? My family? Was James talking to them as well? Well, if they are Christians, he certainly was. What if James hadn't considered "my trial"? Maybe he meant just small trials - like stubbing my toe or a disagreement with a friend? Certainly some "trials" are too big to find joy in them, right? Nope. I believe that James knew what he was talking about... after all, God himself inspired James to write this material. James, the half-brother of Jesus knew only too well what trials were. And notice he said trials of many kind. Not just one kind, but of many kinds. So, it includes my trials. My friend's trials and the trials of my family.
But some things that people go through are down right UGLY! How do you find JOY in ugliness? When a spouse has an affair? When you lose a child? When you lose a job? When a friend betrays you? When you hear the word Cancer? A tragic accident? A child with a special need? Disappointment? Passed up for a promotion? Being treated unfairly? Kids being bullied?
I've seen people go through some of these exact things. I've experienced people dealing with them from a Christian perspective and a non-Christian perspective. I've often found that the Christian has hope. The Christian has a strength to draw from. I find the Christian to be the more likely to have JOY. James was only speaking to Christians, so maybe that is the only group of people who can find joy in tragedy.
There was a time in my life when I experienced my own personal tragedy... many have heard this story, but maybe not from this angle. I had just finished college. Six months later I was having continuous difficulty with running into things, etc. I tried desperately to pay attention. To not run into people. To not be shocked when someone walked up next to me (from the side). I couldn't pay close enough attention though. Out of pure frustration, I called the eye doctor. I was either 1. crazy or 2. something was seriously wrong with my eyesight.
Unfortunately for me, the later was true. I was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa, a degenerative eye condition that robs you of your peripheral vision, night vision, color vision depth perception..... and finally moving into your central vision. This was a devastating blow to someone who had just finished getting a degree in Chemistry. I certainly needed my eyesight.
I went into an almost immediate depression. I was scared. I was angry. I was envious. I hated people - people who seemingly had no issues (although, I've learned that we all have them, some are just more well hidden than others). I was determined to overcome - but only because I refused to accept what I was told. It HAD to be wrong - and I would MAKE IT WRONG.
I have to say that at the time I was not a Christian. It was not until 8 years later that I became a Christian. I went through life trying to prove to myself and others that nothing was wrong. I ignored everything. I cried silently to myself at night and put on a brave face every day. I continued in my job and only accepted those things that I could definitely not change. I lost my ability to drive five years after I was diagnosed. That was the first major life changing event. The hatred grew. My anger grew. I certainly had good things in my life as well, but my anger at the world for what I was going through was all-consuming.
Fast forward to 2003. 2003 was the year I became a Christian. By that point in time, my anger had consumed me. My friends saw it. Normally, everything was fine, but if there was something that upset my "plans" (you have to be very planned when you can not drive and have two kids and you are relying on everyone), I broke down. I had started to go to church with some of my friends and at some point I realized, not only was I mad at pretty much the world and myself, but I was mad at God. It was then that I realized that if I was mad at Him, I had to acknowledge Him. I wanted to understand Him. I wanted to know what He was about. I went to a bible study and found out. I accepted Christ.
The transformation in my life was not immediate. It was not instant, but it did happen over time. This situation, which was getting worse and worse, was something I could not control. I turned it over to God. The daily struggles - how I managed to get to work, the kids to daycare, grocery shopping - just going places.... I put it all in God's hands. It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I begged God to deal with it. To provide for me what I needed. I wasn't asking for more than I needed, and certainly not less, but just "enough". And God answered.
Slowly my friends saw the transformation. My anger eased. I figured if I couldn't go somewhere, there was a good reason God didn't provide me a way. I wasn't always happy, but I was pretty much content. My children were always cared for. I was always at work and my family got what they needed (I was still single at the time, raising Cameron and Anna on my own).
If you've been around my blog long, you know I've struggled with the loss of my sight. It's not easy. I would give anything to have my sight back. The one thing I would not give up though, is my salvation. This condition brought me to my lowest point, and that low point brought me to my salvation. Would I go back - turn back the hands of time and retain my sight if it meant I would sacrifice my salvation? Absolutely not. I can find JOY in my trail because my trial transformed me. It is still transforming me. I honestly believe my relationship with Jesus is stronger because I NEED him! This condition keeps me at his feet. Without it..... maybe I'd start depending on myself all over again.... who knows.
I've come to the conclusion though, that God finds some benefit in this situation for me. I have to trust Him. I must persevere, and perseverance will finish its work in me, until I'm complete, lacking nothing. Only then will my sight be restored. I wish I could get there quickly - but until that time, I can find joy, because I'm not forgotten. In my trial, I am not forgotten. God is using it to mold me and shape me, to strengthen my faith, to seal my reliance on Him. I can count that as joy.
See, the situation is not joyful. The daily struggles are hard. I ACHE to be "normal" - but JOY can be found. JOY is in me.
Studying the book of James is difficult. So far I have seen that I need to confront many aspects of my life and evaluate what God wants from me. Each sentence in the book has something new, something to ponder, something to make me grow.
What trials are in your life? Can you look deep and find JOY in them? The job loss? The broken marriage? The unruly children? The family member with cancer? The failed adoption? The financial hardship......the list goes on and on.....
God gives us the strength to "consider it pure joy" - He has to or else He wouldn't ask us to do it. I don't think He expects instant "joyfulness" when a we face a trial - but to find Joy over time, in what He is doing in and through our lives in the time of trial.....
In Christ,
Charity
Right off the bat, James slaps you in the face with that.... seemingly ridiculous statement. Who in the world is going to look at their trials and "consider it pure joy"? Not just something good for you, or acceptable - but James says to consider it pure joy.... not even just plain old joy - but PURE joy.
I'll tell you something, that's not an easy thing to do. Especially in the midst of your trial. Maybe when your trial is over and you look back and see maybe how you have grown through it... but smack dab in the middle of it? There were many times in my life when I've gone through some pretty rough stuff. Mild by comparison to the lives of many, but tragic to my own world. I never counted it joy. And lately, I must be the world's most joyful person for all the trials I'm going through.... and since I'm still standing and working my way through the trial - either I'm lacking a whole bunch, or there was more work to be done in me than I had ever anticipated, because I don't plan on the trial going away anytime soon, and persevere I must - so I must have been lacking a whole bunch to start with!
JOY. It's kind of an interesting word. The dictionary defines it as "happiness, elation, glad-feeling". So, in the middle of a trial, I should be happy??? What in the world?
I've thought and thought about this statement though. The point of the trial, if handled appropriately, is to finish a work in me. Persevere through the trial and the end result will be a better me! I can appreciate that. But, how can someone really be joyful during a trial?
I tried to think back on my life for a time where I was going through a trial and might have been joyful. It was difficult to come up with an example... but after wracking my brain and initially going back nearly 13 years, I found an example. The birth of my son (not that labor is a "trial" per se, but it's just my example). Trust me, it was trying! 22 hours of labor, 2 1/2 hours of trying to get the kid out only to end up with a c-section because my loving son found it nice and cozy living in his mom! It was miserable.... but I don't recall ever once being anything but full of joy at what was happening. Why? Because I was being transformed! I was being transformed from just a person to a mother. I knew the end result and it was good. I could hold onto JOY during that trial because of what was to come... certainly not because of what I was going through at the time, but definitely for the transformation taking place and the reward at the end.
So, I started thinking more about that. You can have JOY during the toughest trials if you separate your heart attitude from the trial at hand. Joy can and should be independent of the circumstances you are going through. Just like labor. There is no joy in labor if not for the transformation taking place. I mean really! The pain is not all that glorious. But... I found joy in it!
So, what about the trials in my life now? What about the trials in the lives of some of my friends? My family? Was James talking to them as well? Well, if they are Christians, he certainly was. What if James hadn't considered "my trial"? Maybe he meant just small trials - like stubbing my toe or a disagreement with a friend? Certainly some "trials" are too big to find joy in them, right? Nope. I believe that James knew what he was talking about... after all, God himself inspired James to write this material. James, the half-brother of Jesus knew only too well what trials were. And notice he said trials of many kind. Not just one kind, but of many kinds. So, it includes my trials. My friend's trials and the trials of my family.
But some things that people go through are down right UGLY! How do you find JOY in ugliness? When a spouse has an affair? When you lose a child? When you lose a job? When a friend betrays you? When you hear the word Cancer? A tragic accident? A child with a special need? Disappointment? Passed up for a promotion? Being treated unfairly? Kids being bullied?
I've seen people go through some of these exact things. I've experienced people dealing with them from a Christian perspective and a non-Christian perspective. I've often found that the Christian has hope. The Christian has a strength to draw from. I find the Christian to be the more likely to have JOY. James was only speaking to Christians, so maybe that is the only group of people who can find joy in tragedy.
There was a time in my life when I experienced my own personal tragedy... many have heard this story, but maybe not from this angle. I had just finished college. Six months later I was having continuous difficulty with running into things, etc. I tried desperately to pay attention. To not run into people. To not be shocked when someone walked up next to me (from the side). I couldn't pay close enough attention though. Out of pure frustration, I called the eye doctor. I was either 1. crazy or 2. something was seriously wrong with my eyesight.
Unfortunately for me, the later was true. I was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa, a degenerative eye condition that robs you of your peripheral vision, night vision, color vision depth perception..... and finally moving into your central vision. This was a devastating blow to someone who had just finished getting a degree in Chemistry. I certainly needed my eyesight.
I went into an almost immediate depression. I was scared. I was angry. I was envious. I hated people - people who seemingly had no issues (although, I've learned that we all have them, some are just more well hidden than others). I was determined to overcome - but only because I refused to accept what I was told. It HAD to be wrong - and I would MAKE IT WRONG.
I have to say that at the time I was not a Christian. It was not until 8 years later that I became a Christian. I went through life trying to prove to myself and others that nothing was wrong. I ignored everything. I cried silently to myself at night and put on a brave face every day. I continued in my job and only accepted those things that I could definitely not change. I lost my ability to drive five years after I was diagnosed. That was the first major life changing event. The hatred grew. My anger grew. I certainly had good things in my life as well, but my anger at the world for what I was going through was all-consuming.
Fast forward to 2003. 2003 was the year I became a Christian. By that point in time, my anger had consumed me. My friends saw it. Normally, everything was fine, but if there was something that upset my "plans" (you have to be very planned when you can not drive and have two kids and you are relying on everyone), I broke down. I had started to go to church with some of my friends and at some point I realized, not only was I mad at pretty much the world and myself, but I was mad at God. It was then that I realized that if I was mad at Him, I had to acknowledge Him. I wanted to understand Him. I wanted to know what He was about. I went to a bible study and found out. I accepted Christ.
The transformation in my life was not immediate. It was not instant, but it did happen over time. This situation, which was getting worse and worse, was something I could not control. I turned it over to God. The daily struggles - how I managed to get to work, the kids to daycare, grocery shopping - just going places.... I put it all in God's hands. It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I begged God to deal with it. To provide for me what I needed. I wasn't asking for more than I needed, and certainly not less, but just "enough". And God answered.
Slowly my friends saw the transformation. My anger eased. I figured if I couldn't go somewhere, there was a good reason God didn't provide me a way. I wasn't always happy, but I was pretty much content. My children were always cared for. I was always at work and my family got what they needed (I was still single at the time, raising Cameron and Anna on my own).
If you've been around my blog long, you know I've struggled with the loss of my sight. It's not easy. I would give anything to have my sight back. The one thing I would not give up though, is my salvation. This condition brought me to my lowest point, and that low point brought me to my salvation. Would I go back - turn back the hands of time and retain my sight if it meant I would sacrifice my salvation? Absolutely not. I can find JOY in my trail because my trial transformed me. It is still transforming me. I honestly believe my relationship with Jesus is stronger because I NEED him! This condition keeps me at his feet. Without it..... maybe I'd start depending on myself all over again.... who knows.
I've come to the conclusion though, that God finds some benefit in this situation for me. I have to trust Him. I must persevere, and perseverance will finish its work in me, until I'm complete, lacking nothing. Only then will my sight be restored. I wish I could get there quickly - but until that time, I can find joy, because I'm not forgotten. In my trial, I am not forgotten. God is using it to mold me and shape me, to strengthen my faith, to seal my reliance on Him. I can count that as joy.
See, the situation is not joyful. The daily struggles are hard. I ACHE to be "normal" - but JOY can be found. JOY is in me.
Studying the book of James is difficult. So far I have seen that I need to confront many aspects of my life and evaluate what God wants from me. Each sentence in the book has something new, something to ponder, something to make me grow.
What trials are in your life? Can you look deep and find JOY in them? The job loss? The broken marriage? The unruly children? The family member with cancer? The failed adoption? The financial hardship......the list goes on and on.....
God gives us the strength to "consider it pure joy" - He has to or else He wouldn't ask us to do it. I don't think He expects instant "joyfulness" when a we face a trial - but to find Joy over time, in what He is doing in and through our lives in the time of trial.....
In Christ,
Charity
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Listening and worry
God and I have had some long talks the past few days. I used to think that my conversations with God were a "one-way" discussion. Me just venting my frustrations or my "wish list" with God and not really hearing anything in return. Sometimes it felt... I don't know... void of a "listener". Not only void of a listener, but God didn't seem to really say much back to me.
Today, I imaged that God used to sit up in Heaven and think to himself the exact same thing - "I sit up here, and talk to Charity giving her my "wish list" for her life and it seems as though she is not listening... and not only that... when I really speak to her, she doesn't say much back".
I've learned lately that a discussion with God is a two way street only if you allow it to be. In order to make it "two way" though, you have to listen. Imagine talking to a friend and they tell you over and over how they bake a cake and it burns every single time. They get all upset because they can't make a cake that is edible. They want a good cake and they never have one. So you, being the good friend that you are, you give them the recipe for a good cake. You tell them that if they follow the directions, it will turn out fine. Don't take any short cuts, don't try to modify it to "make it in a way that you think will be better", just follow the recipe. Time and time again though, they come to you and say how nasty their cake is and how they want something so much different as their end result. They are sick and tired of having burnt, bad tasting cake. You ask them if they followed the recipe - no... they made a slight change because they thought more sugar would be better. They didn't want to take the time to bake the cake so they upped the baking temperature in hopes of making it bake faster. You remind them again to follow the recipe. Follow the recipe and it will be right!
I've done it myself a million times. Not with cake (I'm great with following a recipe! I'm a chemist! Chemists make great cooks!) but with something much more important - my life.
There are times when I look at my life and think "I really wish this was different". I find myself speaking to God out of my frustration, asking "WHY"? Why do things have to be this way. I want things to be different. God has given me the recipe. He has told me to follow it - and I will find peace and a joy will live inside of me. I won't have a perfect life, but I will find contentment in the life God has given me. What do I do though? I take short cuts. I change up God's recipe. I tweak it to make it "sweeter". I become impatient and I try to speed up life.... the whole time creating my own self-destruction. I don't listen. I need to listen. I need to follow the recipe. He does not hide it from me.... He willingly gave me the recipe for my life. I just need to follow it. I need to listen!
Today I learned a lesson about worry. It's very easy to tell someone not to worry about something.... when it's not your problem. It's easy to say that worrying won't do you any good... when the consequences of something are not yours. I've been anticipating something happening today. I got up this morning and it didn't happen as I expected (it's nothing major, believe me - nothing exciting - just something I needed to have taken care of, and it was to be taken care of today). It was only taken care of partially. I called Tim and told him. His response - don't worry..... it will be taken care of. Just make a few phone calls and find out what is going on. It will be fine.
That is one area where Tim and I are very different. Tim has patience to allow time for things to fall into place... to see things through. I on the other hand have to ACT immediately. Well, it was 6:00 this morning when I was ready to ACT, and there was nothing I could do. I could not call anyone because no one was open yet. I was also attending a class today and had to leave the house by 7:15. The earliest I could call anyone was 7:00 and that would not give me enough time to discuss the issue with anyone. So Tim said - Just call them when you get back from the gym. Oh. My. Goodness! Seriously? I will say that the consequence of this not taking place as I expected would have some major impact in my mind...it was important to me. So, I was in a bad mood... but there was nothing I could do about it. I let the situation take over me and my attitude. When I got out from the gym, I immediately called Tim and got the number for where I needed to call. I was short with him... even when he gave me the number, he said it's an 888 number... and he started to give me the number "888-" I interrupted abruptly... Yes! I know that part. I just need the last numbers! I had worried about this issue on my two and a half mile walk. I worried about it all during the class. And I worried about it on my two and a half mile walk home. None of that worry did me an ounce of good though. Not. One. Bit. The only thing it did was ruin my attitude.
When I got home, I made a few more phone calls and by the end of the day today, everything was taken care of. Everything fell into place. My worry didn't make that happen though.
I've had to put my faith in God A LOT over the past six months. Having to leave my job because of my diminishing eyesight was a huge struggle for me. When I went to get Chara, certain I would not get a dog as well suited for me as Pearl was. I placed it in God's hands though, because I couldn't do anything with it in my own hands. I told God directly - I know you have a plan. I know it will work for my good. I know your desire is not to harm me. I had to say that over and over and over again for months. But I learned that it was true.
Today was one last step in the struggle I've had over the past six months. Today was really the start of a new chapter. Moving on. Moving forward. Accepting. Instead of worrying, it would have been much better for me to acknowledge the fact that God has taken care of all of the details up to this point. Every last one of them, in truly God fashion. Today was no different. I KNEW God had this, but still I worried. What a waste!
When you give something to God to manage - rather than trying to force something of your own will, the end result is exponentially better than having managed it on your own. My work situation and all that needed to take place as a result of my having to leave work... it was just short of a miracle how it all fell into place. Chara - well, let's just say she is as uniquely qualified to assist me as Pearl was. We fit together like a glove. The current situation... while I worried, I did leave it in God's hands. He placed people in places to assist me and got everything taken care of.
Worry is not part of the recipe that God has for my life. It does me no good. It changes nothing - except what is going on inside of me. It clouds my heart and it doesn't allow me to see the joy in God taking care of the details. I try to imagine the kind of day I would have had, had I just left it in God's hands, taken action when I could - and skipped the worry. I'm sure I wouldn't have snapped at my husband and I would have enjoyed my walk and my class much more!
I think sometimes we all have to learn lessons the hard way. Thankfully God is full of the patience that I seem to lack and He teaches me through my trials.
In Christ,
Charity
Today, I imaged that God used to sit up in Heaven and think to himself the exact same thing - "I sit up here, and talk to Charity giving her my "wish list" for her life and it seems as though she is not listening... and not only that... when I really speak to her, she doesn't say much back".
I've learned lately that a discussion with God is a two way street only if you allow it to be. In order to make it "two way" though, you have to listen. Imagine talking to a friend and they tell you over and over how they bake a cake and it burns every single time. They get all upset because they can't make a cake that is edible. They want a good cake and they never have one. So you, being the good friend that you are, you give them the recipe for a good cake. You tell them that if they follow the directions, it will turn out fine. Don't take any short cuts, don't try to modify it to "make it in a way that you think will be better", just follow the recipe. Time and time again though, they come to you and say how nasty their cake is and how they want something so much different as their end result. They are sick and tired of having burnt, bad tasting cake. You ask them if they followed the recipe - no... they made a slight change because they thought more sugar would be better. They didn't want to take the time to bake the cake so they upped the baking temperature in hopes of making it bake faster. You remind them again to follow the recipe. Follow the recipe and it will be right!
I've done it myself a million times. Not with cake (I'm great with following a recipe! I'm a chemist! Chemists make great cooks!) but with something much more important - my life.
There are times when I look at my life and think "I really wish this was different". I find myself speaking to God out of my frustration, asking "WHY"? Why do things have to be this way. I want things to be different. God has given me the recipe. He has told me to follow it - and I will find peace and a joy will live inside of me. I won't have a perfect life, but I will find contentment in the life God has given me. What do I do though? I take short cuts. I change up God's recipe. I tweak it to make it "sweeter". I become impatient and I try to speed up life.... the whole time creating my own self-destruction. I don't listen. I need to listen. I need to follow the recipe. He does not hide it from me.... He willingly gave me the recipe for my life. I just need to follow it. I need to listen!
Today I learned a lesson about worry. It's very easy to tell someone not to worry about something.... when it's not your problem. It's easy to say that worrying won't do you any good... when the consequences of something are not yours. I've been anticipating something happening today. I got up this morning and it didn't happen as I expected (it's nothing major, believe me - nothing exciting - just something I needed to have taken care of, and it was to be taken care of today). It was only taken care of partially. I called Tim and told him. His response - don't worry..... it will be taken care of. Just make a few phone calls and find out what is going on. It will be fine.
That is one area where Tim and I are very different. Tim has patience to allow time for things to fall into place... to see things through. I on the other hand have to ACT immediately. Well, it was 6:00 this morning when I was ready to ACT, and there was nothing I could do. I could not call anyone because no one was open yet. I was also attending a class today and had to leave the house by 7:15. The earliest I could call anyone was 7:00 and that would not give me enough time to discuss the issue with anyone. So Tim said - Just call them when you get back from the gym. Oh. My. Goodness! Seriously? I will say that the consequence of this not taking place as I expected would have some major impact in my mind...it was important to me. So, I was in a bad mood... but there was nothing I could do about it. I let the situation take over me and my attitude. When I got out from the gym, I immediately called Tim and got the number for where I needed to call. I was short with him... even when he gave me the number, he said it's an 888 number... and he started to give me the number "888-" I interrupted abruptly... Yes! I know that part. I just need the last numbers! I had worried about this issue on my two and a half mile walk. I worried about it all during the class. And I worried about it on my two and a half mile walk home. None of that worry did me an ounce of good though. Not. One. Bit. The only thing it did was ruin my attitude.
When I got home, I made a few more phone calls and by the end of the day today, everything was taken care of. Everything fell into place. My worry didn't make that happen though.
I've had to put my faith in God A LOT over the past six months. Having to leave my job because of my diminishing eyesight was a huge struggle for me. When I went to get Chara, certain I would not get a dog as well suited for me as Pearl was. I placed it in God's hands though, because I couldn't do anything with it in my own hands. I told God directly - I know you have a plan. I know it will work for my good. I know your desire is not to harm me. I had to say that over and over and over again for months. But I learned that it was true.
Today was one last step in the struggle I've had over the past six months. Today was really the start of a new chapter. Moving on. Moving forward. Accepting. Instead of worrying, it would have been much better for me to acknowledge the fact that God has taken care of all of the details up to this point. Every last one of them, in truly God fashion. Today was no different. I KNEW God had this, but still I worried. What a waste!
When you give something to God to manage - rather than trying to force something of your own will, the end result is exponentially better than having managed it on your own. My work situation and all that needed to take place as a result of my having to leave work... it was just short of a miracle how it all fell into place. Chara - well, let's just say she is as uniquely qualified to assist me as Pearl was. We fit together like a glove. The current situation... while I worried, I did leave it in God's hands. He placed people in places to assist me and got everything taken care of.
Worry is not part of the recipe that God has for my life. It does me no good. It changes nothing - except what is going on inside of me. It clouds my heart and it doesn't allow me to see the joy in God taking care of the details. I try to imagine the kind of day I would have had, had I just left it in God's hands, taken action when I could - and skipped the worry. I'm sure I wouldn't have snapped at my husband and I would have enjoyed my walk and my class much more!
I think sometimes we all have to learn lessons the hard way. Thankfully God is full of the patience that I seem to lack and He teaches me through my trials.
In Christ,
Charity
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Projects
I'm working my way through a bunch of home improvement projects lately. I think I bit off more than I can chew - as there are several projects, actually all of them, in different stages of "completeness".
The first project started was the sun room. I've decided to make the sun room - which is currently grossly underutilized - into an actual living space. It used to just be a "room" that really no one but the cats went into. The treadmill was in there, some furniture - but really, no one used it. We debated for awhile if we were going to "settle" into this house. It's a bit oversized, but we really like the location. At the beginning of our marriage, when we had Tim's kids coming over all the time, it was the size that was needed for our family. But as they got older and stopped coming over, we've kind of grown out of it by a shrinking family. We had to decide though, if we were going to stay or downsize... and I wasn't starting any projects until we made that decision. Well, we must have made the decision, because I have projects, projects, projects underway! The location of this house just can't be beat. The subdivision backs up to the rail trail which I use all the time with Sara and Chara. It also leads directly to the fitness center, which I walk to with Sara and then they have a child care there that she loves. I can take classes while she is having fun time away from mom with other kids. We've also considered moving Anna (and eventually putting Sara) into a new school. It's a Christian school right around the corner from our house which would be great. Cameron will be moving to the school with the IB program, assuming he gets accepted, next year so it would be nice to have Anna closer to home. I can walk over there and get her and eventually Sara right after school. The proximity to stores and things like that, just can't be beat. Chara's vet is right up the road from us - literally less than a quarter of a mile.... it all just works out good - giving me some independence an freedom when I'm here by myself.
Anyway, we decided to stay - so back to the projects. It started with the under-utilized sun room. I hated the look of that room. It has one brick wall that really made the room look drab. Combine that with the wall color that I hated and it made for a really icky room. I never did anything with that room when we moved in, because I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do with it. Well, the time had come to spruce it up. I decided to paint the brick. WHAT. A. CHORE. I bought a gallon of paint for the one wall (mind you, that one wall had two french door sized holes cut in it on either side of the fireplace, so it's not really even a full wall) thinking that would be enough. NOT HARDLY. I will never, ever again paint brick! It's awful. I got it partially done and ran out of paint. It's going to be finished this week, but I'll give you a sneak peak at where we are now:
Once I ran out of paint for the sun room, and before I went and got another gallon, I started ripping apart the laundry room. Again, that is one room that I did NOTHING with since we moved into the house. Those are the only two rooms I did nothing with. But, the time had come. I had dreams in my head of what I wanted the room to look like. I went and picked out a nice light charcoal tile for the floor. I picked out a paint color called "silver sateen". It looks great with the tile. The new washer and dryer I picked out are graphite colored... by the way, I LOVE my new washer and dryer :) I ripped out the old floor and a sink and lower cabinet, pulled down an upper cabinet that I was going to paint and reinstall in a new location. I started on the floor tiling - wanting to do it all on my own - but Tim had to help me out. I couldn't see it all well enough to make everything straight (and admittedly I was sick of adhesive being all over me). After the tile was down, which ended up looking great, I painted the walls to be ready for the washer and dryer delivery. Again - an unfinished project - I still need to paint the upper cabinet and reinstall, paint the large pantry-type cabinet, and install two shelves.....but here is the semi-finished product:
Finally came the swimming pool. This will be my first summer home with the kids. Summers in South Carolina are H.O.T. I did not want to be home all summer without a swimming pool. The local fitness center has a swimming pool, but it's indoors and I didn't want to have to walk the kids two miles everyday in the sweltering heat to get to it. Plus, I wanted the kids just to be able to get out and play in the sunshine. Really it's hard to do that in June/July/August and not die of heat stroke! We've been debating a pool installation anyway, so we broke down and decided to do it. We picked the pool and had them come out and get a general yard placement. I decided to fence in the pool rather than the whole back yard... I guess I decided that for resale. If someone has small children and wants them to have a back yard to play in, if we fenced in just the pool they could still safely play in the back yard. Our back yard is huge so there is plenty of room. I think it will look really nice. We are putting in a small patio area where we can have a table and chairs and then concrete along the pool for the sun deck. We figured out everything we wanted and then went and ordered it. The ground breaking happened this past Saturday and the pool was set in the hole today. What an interesting project to watch. It'll be another few days before it's "swim ready" but we are well on our way to having a place to swim! Again, another unfinished project, but this is where it stands right now:
Tonight the pool will fill with 22,000 gallons of water (THAT will be a nice water bill this month :) and then in the morning they will begin to backfill around the pool. It's moving along quickly.
When all is said and done, I told Tim I'm not leaving this house. Unless something happens where we have to move for some reason - job related or something - now that we plopped that pool in, this is where we are going to be. It feels kind of nice to finally get "settled" into the house that we have been in for almost six years! The next large project is the kitchen... That won't happen for quite some time though. We had to decide between the kitchen and the pool for right now, and I just couldn't imagine the kids enjoying a new kitchen as much as they would a pool:) I'm afraid to see how I will be when that project starts though...
I'm not a person who likes disorganization in a house. I like order. I thrive in an orderly environment. Part of me needs it. Everything has to be in its place - or more than likely I won't be able to find it or will trip over it :) I've been through a kitchen renovation once, and it was not fun. This one will be even less fun. I plan on ripping out a staircase and expanding the kitchen, totally relocating appliances, sinks, etc - expanding doorways.... all that good stuff. It's going to be a MESS for quite some time when that happens. Maybe the kids and I can just go live with my mom while that happens and I can be blissfully ignorant of all the chaos that is going on at home. That would be great for the orderly part of me that doesn't want to be in the chaos..... but for the control-freak part of me that wants to make sure everything is done just so - being an hour and a half away from everything won't work. Maybe we'll just have to come up with a compromise and stay in a hotel for the worst of it!
The next update will *hopefully* be pictures of all of my "projects" completed!
In Christ,
Charity
The first project started was the sun room. I've decided to make the sun room - which is currently grossly underutilized - into an actual living space. It used to just be a "room" that really no one but the cats went into. The treadmill was in there, some furniture - but really, no one used it. We debated for awhile if we were going to "settle" into this house. It's a bit oversized, but we really like the location. At the beginning of our marriage, when we had Tim's kids coming over all the time, it was the size that was needed for our family. But as they got older and stopped coming over, we've kind of grown out of it by a shrinking family. We had to decide though, if we were going to stay or downsize... and I wasn't starting any projects until we made that decision. Well, we must have made the decision, because I have projects, projects, projects underway! The location of this house just can't be beat. The subdivision backs up to the rail trail which I use all the time with Sara and Chara. It also leads directly to the fitness center, which I walk to with Sara and then they have a child care there that she loves. I can take classes while she is having fun time away from mom with other kids. We've also considered moving Anna (and eventually putting Sara) into a new school. It's a Christian school right around the corner from our house which would be great. Cameron will be moving to the school with the IB program, assuming he gets accepted, next year so it would be nice to have Anna closer to home. I can walk over there and get her and eventually Sara right after school. The proximity to stores and things like that, just can't be beat. Chara's vet is right up the road from us - literally less than a quarter of a mile.... it all just works out good - giving me some independence an freedom when I'm here by myself.
Anyway, we decided to stay - so back to the projects. It started with the under-utilized sun room. I hated the look of that room. It has one brick wall that really made the room look drab. Combine that with the wall color that I hated and it made for a really icky room. I never did anything with that room when we moved in, because I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do with it. Well, the time had come to spruce it up. I decided to paint the brick. WHAT. A. CHORE. I bought a gallon of paint for the one wall (mind you, that one wall had two french door sized holes cut in it on either side of the fireplace, so it's not really even a full wall) thinking that would be enough. NOT HARDLY. I will never, ever again paint brick! It's awful. I got it partially done and ran out of paint. It's going to be finished this week, but I'll give you a sneak peak at where we are now:
Once I ran out of paint for the sun room, and before I went and got another gallon, I started ripping apart the laundry room. Again, that is one room that I did NOTHING with since we moved into the house. Those are the only two rooms I did nothing with. But, the time had come. I had dreams in my head of what I wanted the room to look like. I went and picked out a nice light charcoal tile for the floor. I picked out a paint color called "silver sateen". It looks great with the tile. The new washer and dryer I picked out are graphite colored... by the way, I LOVE my new washer and dryer :) I ripped out the old floor and a sink and lower cabinet, pulled down an upper cabinet that I was going to paint and reinstall in a new location. I started on the floor tiling - wanting to do it all on my own - but Tim had to help me out. I couldn't see it all well enough to make everything straight (and admittedly I was sick of adhesive being all over me). After the tile was down, which ended up looking great, I painted the walls to be ready for the washer and dryer delivery. Again - an unfinished project - I still need to paint the upper cabinet and reinstall, paint the large pantry-type cabinet, and install two shelves.....but here is the semi-finished product:
Finally came the swimming pool. This will be my first summer home with the kids. Summers in South Carolina are H.O.T. I did not want to be home all summer without a swimming pool. The local fitness center has a swimming pool, but it's indoors and I didn't want to have to walk the kids two miles everyday in the sweltering heat to get to it. Plus, I wanted the kids just to be able to get out and play in the sunshine. Really it's hard to do that in June/July/August and not die of heat stroke! We've been debating a pool installation anyway, so we broke down and decided to do it. We picked the pool and had them come out and get a general yard placement. I decided to fence in the pool rather than the whole back yard... I guess I decided that for resale. If someone has small children and wants them to have a back yard to play in, if we fenced in just the pool they could still safely play in the back yard. Our back yard is huge so there is plenty of room. I think it will look really nice. We are putting in a small patio area where we can have a table and chairs and then concrete along the pool for the sun deck. We figured out everything we wanted and then went and ordered it. The ground breaking happened this past Saturday and the pool was set in the hole today. What an interesting project to watch. It'll be another few days before it's "swim ready" but we are well on our way to having a place to swim! Again, another unfinished project, but this is where it stands right now:
Tonight the pool will fill with 22,000 gallons of water (THAT will be a nice water bill this month :) and then in the morning they will begin to backfill around the pool. It's moving along quickly.
When all is said and done, I told Tim I'm not leaving this house. Unless something happens where we have to move for some reason - job related or something - now that we plopped that pool in, this is where we are going to be. It feels kind of nice to finally get "settled" into the house that we have been in for almost six years! The next large project is the kitchen... That won't happen for quite some time though. We had to decide between the kitchen and the pool for right now, and I just couldn't imagine the kids enjoying a new kitchen as much as they would a pool:) I'm afraid to see how I will be when that project starts though...
I'm not a person who likes disorganization in a house. I like order. I thrive in an orderly environment. Part of me needs it. Everything has to be in its place - or more than likely I won't be able to find it or will trip over it :) I've been through a kitchen renovation once, and it was not fun. This one will be even less fun. I plan on ripping out a staircase and expanding the kitchen, totally relocating appliances, sinks, etc - expanding doorways.... all that good stuff. It's going to be a MESS for quite some time when that happens. Maybe the kids and I can just go live with my mom while that happens and I can be blissfully ignorant of all the chaos that is going on at home. That would be great for the orderly part of me that doesn't want to be in the chaos..... but for the control-freak part of me that wants to make sure everything is done just so - being an hour and a half away from everything won't work. Maybe we'll just have to come up with a compromise and stay in a hotel for the worst of it!
The next update will *hopefully* be pictures of all of my "projects" completed!
In Christ,
Charity
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