I kind of feel strange even writing this, but for those who are adopting, maybe you will get something out of it. Maybe you won't feel so alone if you are feeling some of the same things that I'm feeling right now. I'm going to just be honest!
I've got three kids in my home. A 14 year old, a 9 (almost 10) year old and a 4 year old. Life is about to change..... BIG TIME! Soon I will have a 14 year old, a 10 year old, a 9 year old, a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 4 year old. That's a HUGE change.
I've been looking forward to this time for so long. It seems like forever. We are getting close. The immigration paperwork is complete. The kids' files have been reviewed and their orphan status conforms to US Law. We are waiting on passports and I'm praying we will hear something this week on those. Then, we just have the medicals and the visa exit interview - and a L.O.N.G. flight home with three new children.
I've anticipated this time for so long and yet at the same time, I fear it. I'm working diligently to get the kids' rooms set up so everything will be ready when they arrive, yet I'm savoring the time we have while things remain the same. Truthfully, I'm scared. I think it's normal. I think I'd be niave to think that everything will just transition smoothly. It's hard to get a smooth transition when you bring a new child into your home through childbirth. It's hard to get a smooth transition when you adopt one child. I think it would be kind of crazy for me to assume that I'll get a smooth transition with bringing THREE home. Not only will I be bringing three home, but I have three already IN the home. I will be doubling the number of children in my home. I think it's actually SMART of me to be afraid.... because it means I'm thinking logically and not idealistically. Trust me when I say, there is NOTHING ideal about adoption. It doesn't start ideal and it doesn't end ideal. It just starts and ends and I'm thankful to be part of it.... but being thankful doesn't make it easy.
So, what am I afraid of? Well, I have three children in my home now with three different personalities. Sometimes they mesh, sometimes they clash. I have three more coming into the picture with three of their own little personalities. Six adolescent personalities in one household - meshing and clashing at all different times. Three of the personalities I really don't even know all that well yet. I think I know things about Mary, Nate and Isabella, but I have a TON to learn. I've got a lot of catching up to do with them.
I'm afraid I won't be as successful as I want to be with homeschooling them and getting them caught up to their appropriate grade level. I've never done homeschooling before and what if I'm no good at it?
I'm afraid of what the kids have been through and what it will bring to our home. I mean, they are not babies... our oldest newcomer is 9 and the youngest is four. They've lived pretty substantial lives already and have a lot of experiences and memories that I'm sure they will eventually share - both good and bad. I'm all about the good, but I'm afraid of how I will handle the bad. I mean, I'm an emotional basket case. I read a sad book and I cry. I watch a sappy TV show and I cry. Hearing stories of loss from my kids... I'm not real sure how I will handle that. Being strong in the face of an emotional situation is not one of my strong points. Maybe it doesn't need to be though... maybe saying nothing - just loving these kids to death will be enough. I pray that's the case... I pray God gives me wisdom along the way to help me deal with everything that this adoption will bring our way, in the best way possible to benefit these kids.
Stupid stuff comes to mind... like I have NO idea how to do their hair! I know... it's stupid, but think about it... it's something you have to do every day. What if you didn't know how to take a shower and yet you were expected to do it every day? Not only that, but I bet the kids have some sort of expectation for me to at least know how to do SOMETHING with their hair....maybe they can teach me ;) I know, I know... you will say that the kids won't care. I will though. I want to give these kids the best... just like I give the three that are in my home now. Doing hair should be standard practice. Unfortunately for me, it's not. I'll learn. I'm praying they will be patient with me during my learning curve.
Food. That's another big thing. What in the world will I fix them that they will enjoy and that the rest of my family will as well? Who knows. I guess rice will be a staple for them for awhile, and after some time I'll just have to work on transitioning them over to "American" food. We all think it is wonderful and that they will absolutely love it, but it's the same as taking our kids somewhere and having them eat foreign food. The textures are different. The smells are different. The ingredients are different. It will take them some time to get used to it all. With my other two adopted little ones - they came home when they were small. They were barely on solid foods. There wasn't really a "transition" for them, because they hadn't gotten used to anything solid. These kids are different. They have.
One of the biggest things I'm afraid of is that they are too old to really consider me mom. I know it sounds silly, but again, I'm being honest. Mary is 9. I wonder if she will ever really look at me and think "That's my mom". I want "mom" to be something more than the person who financially supports us, loves us and cares for us on a daily basis. I want "mom" to mean to her - the person who is emotionally invested in me, the person I turn to when things are bad, the person who will protect me fiercely and love me even more fiercely. I want mom to mean security and home to her. I want it for all of my kids. I don't want it to mean guardian. I want it to mean so much more. Part of me wonders if that will come. Will I ever be to them what I am to my other kids?
I think getting so close to the end of the process has brought this all to the forefront of my mind. I really think I'd be stupid NOT to be thinking about these things. They are important things. They are more important than "Do I have enough clothes for them?" or "Will they like their room?"
I'm trusting in God to handle all of these details. I kind of freaked out when I found out that we had THREE waiting for us in Ghana instead of the one we had originally anticipated. God gave me peace with it and showed me that these were my kids. He has shown me a love for them that I never thought I would have. It is fierce. It's protective. It's stronger than I ever thought it could be at this point. It's all God. But that doesn't mean it's not scary. I want to do it right and I have never navigated exactly these waters before. Now that I think about it, I think being scared is good. It puts me at heightened alert. Really, it means I'm thinking, and more than that, it shows that I know that I don't have all the answers. Oh Lord knows I don't have all the answers... but I do have Him. I will trust in the Lord with these children. I will trust that the Lord will give me guidance on how to navigate these new waters. I will step out in faith. I can be scared and not take my eyes off of Christ at the same time. As long as my eyes are on Christ, it will fall into place.
It's hard to explain the feelings of excitement and fear that are mingled together. I think though that it's normal... at least for me it's normal. I remember when I adopted Anna and I finally received her referral, I was so excited. I shared her little picture with everyone. Then I got home from work and I thought "Oh. My. Goodness... WHAT HAVE I DONE". It's the whole idea of the change that is to come. No matter how positive it is, change is always difficult. The same thing happened when we adopted Sara. Tim and I were married, we had the routine established with the kids. I was working at the time so there was that added stress in my life. We were so looking forward to Sara's referral and then it came. One day on the way home from work, after we got her referral, it was a particularly stressful day at work. I just started crying. Tim asked me what was wrong and all I could say was "did we just make a big mistake"? It was the fear of change. Not knowing how we would handle each and every situation that would arise. Obviously I overcame these fears or I would have never adopted after Anna. Or after Sara. Yet, here we are again. Adoption is the biggest blessing in our lives. It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's heartbreaking. It's heartwarming... and yes, it's even scary. I think it's a healthy scary though.
Please pray with us as we navigate the end of this process. Please pray with us that our kids' passports are issued EVEN THIS WEEK!!!! God can move the mountain that will make that happen! My kids need to come home! Even with my lingering questions, I'm ready! I think we are all ready.
In Christ,
Charity
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
ABC's of My Heart: G = God in Ghana
I have a story to tell, but for some reason..... I'm just not ready to tell it. The right words aren't coming. So... instead, I'll do it through pictures. God is in each of these pictures. The fact that I have these pictures means God is working.
There is so much of a story that needs to be told, but I guess you just have to wait for the right time to tell it, and now is not that time. I tried to get it all out in words, but it's not happening right now. So, for now, this is My God in Ghana! Please continue to pray that my children come home soon!
In Christ,
Charity
Friday, August 2, 2013
ABC's of My Heart: F=Finances
Malachi 3:10 - Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.
Finances are often a very touchy topic. I'm going to share our financial situation with you. I'll say from the beginning, it hasn't always been easy.
I have always been a VERY frugal person. I would spend money on things, but I always made pretty wise choices and lived within my means. I got that from my parents. When I was in college and had my first "real" job, I always found ways to save. I contributed to my 401K almost immediately and I never ran up credit card bills that I couldn't pay.
When I married for the first time, managing finances became difficult. No need to go into the story there, but needless to say, money moved freely from our home and the financial situation was difficult. When we separated, things got worse for awhile before they got better. I was a single mom, on my own, raising an infant and taking care of all of the expenses that go along with that. It was very difficult and money was tight. I literally lived from paycheck to paycheck. That was something that I was not used to. If something came out of left field in terms of a financial obligation that I was not prepared for, I would often have to turn to my family for assistance. It was very difficult. That time of difficulty just further instilled in me the need to be frugal. Not stingy. Not cheap, but frugal.
I was VERY blessed when I moved to South Carolina and had a new job that gave me a great financial promotion and the cost of living was less here than it was in the north. I had room to breathe again. Room enough in fact that when I moved forward with adopting my daughter, I did not have to borrow any money to pay for the adoption. I was blessed!
At that same time, I became a Christian. I learned the principal of tithing and God and I wrestled with that for some time. I had been through such a rough time that holding onto "my" money meant a lot to me. After some great soul-searching though, I came to the conclusion that I was not trusting God with my finances. First of all - everything I had, from my clothing, to my house, to my money, to my children were HIS. EVERYTHING! I was holding on tightly to something that was not even mine. God blessed me with it and expected me to be a good steward of it, given one condition - that I hand 10% back to Him, to use to further HIS kingdom. Imagine someone blessing you with $100 and saying, I will entrust you to spend the rest of the money in an honorable way, but $10 I'm asking you to give back to me. Really? What are you going to say? NO?
I said no for awhile. I gave money to the church but it was not a tithe. It was just a portion of what should have been my tithe. I figured God understood though. I mean He saw how I suffered for many years trying to get my finances in order and how I needed now to build up my savings.... No... while God DID see all that, He didn't put a place in the bible that said "give your tithe to the church unless you are Charity and have had a really difficult time, then I understand... obey me when you get back on your feet". I have yet to find that statement in the bible.
My time of not tithing was a time of disobedience.
Enter Tim into the picture. Again, a blending of finances. Ugghhh... that part is difficult. Especially since each of us had been married previously, had established households in the past and each had children from our previous marriage. We came to the table with different views on finances. Thankfully Tim and I were both pretty frugal with money. There were issues in his previous marriage regarding finances, again, not worth going into, but finances were a point of contention. Tim and I thankfully came from pretty much the same arena in terms of living within our means and saving...then there was the tithe.
We had agreed from the beginning that we needed to tithe. It was very difficult though. We had to purchase a new home, we had private school to pay for, child care, child support - all those good things. We decided to be faithful though. We were of the same mind that God can do more with 90% 0f our income than we can do alone with 100%.
We have never been to the "Financial University" where they introduce the envelope method, but it's one that we adopted from day one. I had this process long ago. When I went from getting paid weekly to getting paid once a month I thought I would D.I.E. So, I would take my income and put it into four envelopes so it would appear as though I was getting paid weekly again. It worked well. To this day, Tim and I still use the envelope method. We have two mini-accordian files that serve as our "envelopes". Each part of the accordian file is labeled with a category - house, vehicles, haircuts, groceries, medical, eating out, entertainment... you name it, it's in there. For our monthly bills that are paid on-line, of-course there is no envelope, but those expenses are accounted for on our budget spreadsheet. We now get paid twice a month and at each pay period, Tim goes to the bank and withdraws the amount of money that is specified for each category. When the money is gone, so is our use of that specific category until the next pay period. We are not "sticklers" about it. If something comes up, we will use our debit card or do what we need to do, but for most things, especially non-necessities- like entertainment for example. When the money is gone, we are done being entertained :)
We also don't use credit cards. There are times that we set up credit cards, for example when we bought our patio furniture we used a line of credit, but it was no interest for six months. We paid it off prior to the due date. We did the same when we needed new tires for our truck. Our only criteria when doing that, is the agreement that we pay it off prior to the due date. Even our Expedition we financed at 0% interest. We were not able to do that with the car we just purchased so we pay HUGE payments and plan on paying the car off in about a year. I don't like borrowing money. Besides our mortgage, we have one credit card. We use it for things that are a necessity to have a credit card for. Purchasing our airline tickets to Ghana, reserving hotels... things like that. Always though, we pay these off with very little time accruing finance charges.
Tithing is sometimes difficult for us. I find myself slipping back into the mindset of - we need this money more than God does right now. Especially with the expenses related to the adoption piling up. It's a battle. I feel it always will be. The one thing I've promised myself though is that when we tithe, it will NOT be out of obligation or out of "guilt". God doesn't NEED our money, He wants us to give it to Him willingly and with a joyful heart... not a begrudging one.
We've slipped up every once in awhile, but for the most part, we get back on track, and what I've always found, is that God really can do more with 90% than I can do with 100%! God is faithful. We don't always have everything we WANT, but God has surely given us provision for all that we NEED!
In Charist,
Charity
Finances are often a very touchy topic. I'm going to share our financial situation with you. I'll say from the beginning, it hasn't always been easy.
I have always been a VERY frugal person. I would spend money on things, but I always made pretty wise choices and lived within my means. I got that from my parents. When I was in college and had my first "real" job, I always found ways to save. I contributed to my 401K almost immediately and I never ran up credit card bills that I couldn't pay.
When I married for the first time, managing finances became difficult. No need to go into the story there, but needless to say, money moved freely from our home and the financial situation was difficult. When we separated, things got worse for awhile before they got better. I was a single mom, on my own, raising an infant and taking care of all of the expenses that go along with that. It was very difficult and money was tight. I literally lived from paycheck to paycheck. That was something that I was not used to. If something came out of left field in terms of a financial obligation that I was not prepared for, I would often have to turn to my family for assistance. It was very difficult. That time of difficulty just further instilled in me the need to be frugal. Not stingy. Not cheap, but frugal.
I was VERY blessed when I moved to South Carolina and had a new job that gave me a great financial promotion and the cost of living was less here than it was in the north. I had room to breathe again. Room enough in fact that when I moved forward with adopting my daughter, I did not have to borrow any money to pay for the adoption. I was blessed!
At that same time, I became a Christian. I learned the principal of tithing and God and I wrestled with that for some time. I had been through such a rough time that holding onto "my" money meant a lot to me. After some great soul-searching though, I came to the conclusion that I was not trusting God with my finances. First of all - everything I had, from my clothing, to my house, to my money, to my children were HIS. EVERYTHING! I was holding on tightly to something that was not even mine. God blessed me with it and expected me to be a good steward of it, given one condition - that I hand 10% back to Him, to use to further HIS kingdom. Imagine someone blessing you with $100 and saying, I will entrust you to spend the rest of the money in an honorable way, but $10 I'm asking you to give back to me. Really? What are you going to say? NO?
I said no for awhile. I gave money to the church but it was not a tithe. It was just a portion of what should have been my tithe. I figured God understood though. I mean He saw how I suffered for many years trying to get my finances in order and how I needed now to build up my savings.... No... while God DID see all that, He didn't put a place in the bible that said "give your tithe to the church unless you are Charity and have had a really difficult time, then I understand... obey me when you get back on your feet". I have yet to find that statement in the bible.
My time of not tithing was a time of disobedience.
Enter Tim into the picture. Again, a blending of finances. Ugghhh... that part is difficult. Especially since each of us had been married previously, had established households in the past and each had children from our previous marriage. We came to the table with different views on finances. Thankfully Tim and I were both pretty frugal with money. There were issues in his previous marriage regarding finances, again, not worth going into, but finances were a point of contention. Tim and I thankfully came from pretty much the same arena in terms of living within our means and saving...then there was the tithe.
We had agreed from the beginning that we needed to tithe. It was very difficult though. We had to purchase a new home, we had private school to pay for, child care, child support - all those good things. We decided to be faithful though. We were of the same mind that God can do more with 90% 0f our income than we can do alone with 100%.
We have never been to the "Financial University" where they introduce the envelope method, but it's one that we adopted from day one. I had this process long ago. When I went from getting paid weekly to getting paid once a month I thought I would D.I.E. So, I would take my income and put it into four envelopes so it would appear as though I was getting paid weekly again. It worked well. To this day, Tim and I still use the envelope method. We have two mini-accordian files that serve as our "envelopes". Each part of the accordian file is labeled with a category - house, vehicles, haircuts, groceries, medical, eating out, entertainment... you name it, it's in there. For our monthly bills that are paid on-line, of-course there is no envelope, but those expenses are accounted for on our budget spreadsheet. We now get paid twice a month and at each pay period, Tim goes to the bank and withdraws the amount of money that is specified for each category. When the money is gone, so is our use of that specific category until the next pay period. We are not "sticklers" about it. If something comes up, we will use our debit card or do what we need to do, but for most things, especially non-necessities- like entertainment for example. When the money is gone, we are done being entertained :)
We also don't use credit cards. There are times that we set up credit cards, for example when we bought our patio furniture we used a line of credit, but it was no interest for six months. We paid it off prior to the due date. We did the same when we needed new tires for our truck. Our only criteria when doing that, is the agreement that we pay it off prior to the due date. Even our Expedition we financed at 0% interest. We were not able to do that with the car we just purchased so we pay HUGE payments and plan on paying the car off in about a year. I don't like borrowing money. Besides our mortgage, we have one credit card. We use it for things that are a necessity to have a credit card for. Purchasing our airline tickets to Ghana, reserving hotels... things like that. Always though, we pay these off with very little time accruing finance charges.
Tithing is sometimes difficult for us. I find myself slipping back into the mindset of - we need this money more than God does right now. Especially with the expenses related to the adoption piling up. It's a battle. I feel it always will be. The one thing I've promised myself though is that when we tithe, it will NOT be out of obligation or out of "guilt". God doesn't NEED our money, He wants us to give it to Him willingly and with a joyful heart... not a begrudging one.
We've slipped up every once in awhile, but for the most part, we get back on track, and what I've always found, is that God really can do more with 90% than I can do with 100%! God is faithful. We don't always have everything we WANT, but God has surely given us provision for all that we NEED!
In Charist,
Charity
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
ABC's of My Heart: E = Envy
1 Peter 2:1 - Therefore, rid yourselves of all malace and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.
Envy:
Envy:
Noun
| |
Verb
|
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
ABC's of My Heart: D = Doubt
Psalm 94:19 - When anxiety (doubt) was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
Well, I'm back at it this week. Again, this is not the original post I was intending for my "D" post, but it is what I felt laid on my heart, so I decided to skip my original "D" post, and write this one. The best laid plans are meant to be broken when the Lord lays something on your heart to write!
Tim and I opted to have a day of fun with Cameron yesterday. Tim took the day off of work and we packed up early in the morning and headed to Carowinds with Cameron and his friend (our "adopted" son) Christopher. I love these two boys! Christopher is Cameron's best friend and they spend so much time at one another's houses, that we often joke that we share custody of the children. It's a great relationship that they have.
Anyway, we had plenty of time to talk as we drove the 2 1/2 hours back and forth. Five hours in the car with two fourteen year olds is some good, quality talk time!
After a GREAT day at the park, we headed back home late. I was thinking about the day as we were driving. I kept telling Tim to watch for deer as we drove because the road we were traveling on was wooded and is known for deer crossings at inopportune times. For some reason I got to thinking about a deer jumping from the side of the road, slamming into the side of the car, coming through the window and killing me. Morbid, I know. I sometimes can't help the things that I think about though.
Satan must have been hard at work in that car, because all of a sudden doubt started creeping into my head. I began to wonder, well.... what IF that happened? Now, I'm just being brutally honest here. I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings or thoughts. I'm pretty much a person who's known for "telling it like it is". What if.... what if I think I'm saved, but I'm not? For all of you hard-core Christians out there, I'm sure you sucked in a huge gulp of air and thought "no she didn't". "How could a true Christian say such a thing". Well, sorry... I am a true Christian, and I it's what I was feeling at the moment. If we are all honest with ourselves, I'm sure at one time or another doubt has crept into your head / heart as well... It doesn't make me any "less saved", it probably just makes me HUMAN! It got me thinking though....
So, I posed the question to everyone in the car. Cameron - are you ready to die? Yes. Christopher - are you ready to die? Yes. Tim - are you ready to die? Yes. Of-course we had the lengthy discussion about wanting to die vs. ready to die. I was talking about READY to die. If they died, in the next second, would they have confidence in knowing that the next face they saw would be that of their Savior? Yep, they were all confident. So, what was wrong with ME???? We discussed it for awhile and eventually, the question came back to me. Well mom, what about you? I knew the question would come back to me, but I was avoiding it! Here's the thought process I went through:
If I'm totally honest, I don't know. I mean, I know the strength of my salvation and I know my faith is in none other than Christ Jesus, but I can't say that I never have a moment of doubt. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Not doubt about Christ, but doubt about ME. God is big enough. He could pluck me up right now if He wanted to, with or without my making a decision for Christ (not that He WOULD, but he COULD). He could do it against my will if He wanted to. But He doesn't. He wants it to be my choice. I believe in the strength of the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe that my sin sat upon his shoulders. He bore the burden of my sin - both past, present and future. He died before I lived and He died for me, knowing the full extent of the sins I would commit. He bore them before I committed them. He saved me in spite of them. He saved me BECAUSE of them. He died for me. He was buried for me. He rose for me. I believe all of that. I believe in HIM.
My problem lies in my humanity. I can't help it. I look in the mirror and I think - if it were true, if I were saved, wouldn't I be better? Wouldn't I look more "different"? Wouldn't I look less like the person I do right now, and more like Jesus? I can truly say that upon my salvation, I changed. My friends will attest to it. I truly am a different creature. I look though at how much of the "old man" still lives in me. I look at how much I feed the "old man" and I begin to wonder... Was it really Christ who changed me, or was it me trying to change me?
In the end, I believe Christ changed me. I believe that because I professed my faith in Him. I asked Him to save me. I asked Him to be Lord of my life. And the change in my life was more than I could have ever done on my own. Ask Megan, ask Monica, ask Jaime (ok, maybe you don't know them, but they ARE real people :). And in the end, I believe that Satan spurs and continues my doubt. Satan feeds the doubt in your mind. Satan LOVES nothing more than for you to wonder, because you can't live for the glory of God if you are wondering if you are even His. You can't live for the glory of God if you are focusing on all that you still do wrong. You can't live for the glory of God if you are a doubter. You can be HIS, but you can't live for HIS GLORY.
I am His. I know I am His. I guess, after sifting through the truth and the lies, I am left with knowing that I am HIS. My name is in the book. The date of my birth into His family has been written and it can not and WILL NOT be erased. I never thought of it that way before. I often thought of my name in the book of Life as written. Maybe it is actually written, I don't know, but I viewed it as written. When I doubt, I see it in pencil...If it's written, it can be erased. If not erased, my page could be torn out. But after I just wrote that "the date of my birth into his family has been written"....it struck home with me.....
A mother has a child and the hospital documents the birth. When I had Cameron, a birth certificate was given to me. It documented the date and time of his birth. More important than that though, was the date and time that was imprinted on my brain. If our house caught on fire and the birth certificate was destroyed, that does not mean that Cameron's birth did not happen. Sure, I could get another official birth certificate, but even if I couldn't, his birth would still exist. The same is true of my birth in Christ. I don't know if there is a real physical book. I don't know, if when I get to Heaven, I'll see the penmanship of my personal Lord and Savior - what I do know is this....
No matter how many children I have (either through birth or adoption), I will always remember the date and time they became part of my family. I will always know the date and time Cameron was born. I will know where I was sitting when the judge in Ethiopia said "She is your daughter". I know the way the room looks that I sat in, in China, when they said "You have passed! There were no questions! She is your daughter!". I know the day my three Ghanian babies became mine forever. I KNOW this. You can't take it from me. I don't need a birth certificate or a book to remind me of it. Jesus is so much more of a parent than I am. Jesus never forgets. He knows all and remembers all. Whether or not there is a book, I am written in the MIND and HEART of my Savior. He will stand before His Father and say - She is with me. Book or no book. Literal or figurative...He will say, "she is out family". He knew me when He died at the cross. He knew me when He was buried in the tomb. He knew me when He rose from the dead. And if He knew me before I ever was, He will know me when we meet again.
Doubt is a strong feeling / emotion - whichever it is. But know this to be true. My God is stronger. Doubt may have its day, but God has me for eternity. The only thing doubt can do, is prevent me from living my life for the full glory of God.
I will continue to struggle with doubt, I'm sure. But, when I lay my head down at night, I know that there is a Spirit living in me that will refresh my mind, that will renew my spirit and soothe my heart. I know He is ALIVE in me.
So, to make a long story short, if the deer smashed through my window as we drove home from Carowinds, would I be ready to die? The answer is an unmistakable YES! When I close my eyes for the very last time and when I take my last breath on earth - I will open my eyes in another place, fully sighted and looking into the eyes of the one who saved me.
Don't let doubt spoil your walk with God. Don't let doubt stop you from living fully for the glory of God. Fight doubt with truth. The truth of God's word, because nothing will beat the power of Satan like the strength and truth of God's Word!
In Christ,
Charity
Well, I'm back at it this week. Again, this is not the original post I was intending for my "D" post, but it is what I felt laid on my heart, so I decided to skip my original "D" post, and write this one. The best laid plans are meant to be broken when the Lord lays something on your heart to write!
Tim and I opted to have a day of fun with Cameron yesterday. Tim took the day off of work and we packed up early in the morning and headed to Carowinds with Cameron and his friend (our "adopted" son) Christopher. I love these two boys! Christopher is Cameron's best friend and they spend so much time at one another's houses, that we often joke that we share custody of the children. It's a great relationship that they have.
Anyway, we had plenty of time to talk as we drove the 2 1/2 hours back and forth. Five hours in the car with two fourteen year olds is some good, quality talk time!
After a GREAT day at the park, we headed back home late. I was thinking about the day as we were driving. I kept telling Tim to watch for deer as we drove because the road we were traveling on was wooded and is known for deer crossings at inopportune times. For some reason I got to thinking about a deer jumping from the side of the road, slamming into the side of the car, coming through the window and killing me. Morbid, I know. I sometimes can't help the things that I think about though.
Satan must have been hard at work in that car, because all of a sudden doubt started creeping into my head. I began to wonder, well.... what IF that happened? Now, I'm just being brutally honest here. I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings or thoughts. I'm pretty much a person who's known for "telling it like it is". What if.... what if I think I'm saved, but I'm not? For all of you hard-core Christians out there, I'm sure you sucked in a huge gulp of air and thought "no she didn't". "How could a true Christian say such a thing". Well, sorry... I am a true Christian, and I it's what I was feeling at the moment. If we are all honest with ourselves, I'm sure at one time or another doubt has crept into your head / heart as well... It doesn't make me any "less saved", it probably just makes me HUMAN! It got me thinking though....
So, I posed the question to everyone in the car. Cameron - are you ready to die? Yes. Christopher - are you ready to die? Yes. Tim - are you ready to die? Yes. Of-course we had the lengthy discussion about wanting to die vs. ready to die. I was talking about READY to die. If they died, in the next second, would they have confidence in knowing that the next face they saw would be that of their Savior? Yep, they were all confident. So, what was wrong with ME???? We discussed it for awhile and eventually, the question came back to me. Well mom, what about you? I knew the question would come back to me, but I was avoiding it! Here's the thought process I went through:
If I'm totally honest, I don't know. I mean, I know the strength of my salvation and I know my faith is in none other than Christ Jesus, but I can't say that I never have a moment of doubt. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Not doubt about Christ, but doubt about ME. God is big enough. He could pluck me up right now if He wanted to, with or without my making a decision for Christ (not that He WOULD, but he COULD). He could do it against my will if He wanted to. But He doesn't. He wants it to be my choice. I believe in the strength of the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe that my sin sat upon his shoulders. He bore the burden of my sin - both past, present and future. He died before I lived and He died for me, knowing the full extent of the sins I would commit. He bore them before I committed them. He saved me in spite of them. He saved me BECAUSE of them. He died for me. He was buried for me. He rose for me. I believe all of that. I believe in HIM.
My problem lies in my humanity. I can't help it. I look in the mirror and I think - if it were true, if I were saved, wouldn't I be better? Wouldn't I look more "different"? Wouldn't I look less like the person I do right now, and more like Jesus? I can truly say that upon my salvation, I changed. My friends will attest to it. I truly am a different creature. I look though at how much of the "old man" still lives in me. I look at how much I feed the "old man" and I begin to wonder... Was it really Christ who changed me, or was it me trying to change me?
In the end, I believe Christ changed me. I believe that because I professed my faith in Him. I asked Him to save me. I asked Him to be Lord of my life. And the change in my life was more than I could have ever done on my own. Ask Megan, ask Monica, ask Jaime (ok, maybe you don't know them, but they ARE real people :). And in the end, I believe that Satan spurs and continues my doubt. Satan feeds the doubt in your mind. Satan LOVES nothing more than for you to wonder, because you can't live for the glory of God if you are wondering if you are even His. You can't live for the glory of God if you are focusing on all that you still do wrong. You can't live for the glory of God if you are a doubter. You can be HIS, but you can't live for HIS GLORY.
I am His. I know I am His. I guess, after sifting through the truth and the lies, I am left with knowing that I am HIS. My name is in the book. The date of my birth into His family has been written and it can not and WILL NOT be erased. I never thought of it that way before. I often thought of my name in the book of Life as written. Maybe it is actually written, I don't know, but I viewed it as written. When I doubt, I see it in pencil...If it's written, it can be erased. If not erased, my page could be torn out. But after I just wrote that "the date of my birth into his family has been written"....it struck home with me.....
A mother has a child and the hospital documents the birth. When I had Cameron, a birth certificate was given to me. It documented the date and time of his birth. More important than that though, was the date and time that was imprinted on my brain. If our house caught on fire and the birth certificate was destroyed, that does not mean that Cameron's birth did not happen. Sure, I could get another official birth certificate, but even if I couldn't, his birth would still exist. The same is true of my birth in Christ. I don't know if there is a real physical book. I don't know, if when I get to Heaven, I'll see the penmanship of my personal Lord and Savior - what I do know is this....
No matter how many children I have (either through birth or adoption), I will always remember the date and time they became part of my family. I will always know the date and time Cameron was born. I will know where I was sitting when the judge in Ethiopia said "She is your daughter". I know the way the room looks that I sat in, in China, when they said "You have passed! There were no questions! She is your daughter!". I know the day my three Ghanian babies became mine forever. I KNOW this. You can't take it from me. I don't need a birth certificate or a book to remind me of it. Jesus is so much more of a parent than I am. Jesus never forgets. He knows all and remembers all. Whether or not there is a book, I am written in the MIND and HEART of my Savior. He will stand before His Father and say - She is with me. Book or no book. Literal or figurative...He will say, "she is out family". He knew me when He died at the cross. He knew me when He was buried in the tomb. He knew me when He rose from the dead. And if He knew me before I ever was, He will know me when we meet again.
Doubt is a strong feeling / emotion - whichever it is. But know this to be true. My God is stronger. Doubt may have its day, but God has me for eternity. The only thing doubt can do, is prevent me from living my life for the full glory of God.
I will continue to struggle with doubt, I'm sure. But, when I lay my head down at night, I know that there is a Spirit living in me that will refresh my mind, that will renew my spirit and soothe my heart. I know He is ALIVE in me.
So, to make a long story short, if the deer smashed through my window as we drove home from Carowinds, would I be ready to die? The answer is an unmistakable YES! When I close my eyes for the very last time and when I take my last breath on earth - I will open my eyes in another place, fully sighted and looking into the eyes of the one who saved me.
Don't let doubt spoil your walk with God. Don't let doubt stop you from living fully for the glory of God. Fight doubt with truth. The truth of God's word, because nothing will beat the power of Satan like the strength and truth of God's Word!
In Christ,
Charity
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The Hand-Off
Psalm 94:19 - When anxiety (doubt) was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
Yesterday was a pretty exciting day at our house. We had been waiting EXACTLY 81 days for our court decree to be printed and signed. Well, I take that back... during that 81 day time frame, we got some "teasers". First the document was printed and signed and it was so wrong that the agency did not even send it to me for review. Back to court it went. The second time it was printed and signed it was sent to me by our agency and it had Isabella's birthdate incorrect. She was given the exact same birth date as Mary - same year and everything. Apparently they were twins... maybe Mary is just super tall and Isabella is tiny. I could have been ok with that :) But, it had to go back to court to be fixed. This time, the courts decided to take FOREVER! And I do mean F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! Tears were shed along the way. I threatened to go over to Ghana myself and sit outside the court house until I could get the documentation that was required. I begged. I pleaded. Finally, yesterday, the court decree came!
Yesterday was a pretty exciting day at our house. We had been waiting EXACTLY 81 days for our court decree to be printed and signed. Well, I take that back... during that 81 day time frame, we got some "teasers". First the document was printed and signed and it was so wrong that the agency did not even send it to me for review. Back to court it went. The second time it was printed and signed it was sent to me by our agency and it had Isabella's birthdate incorrect. She was given the exact same birth date as Mary - same year and everything. Apparently they were twins... maybe Mary is just super tall and Isabella is tiny. I could have been ok with that :) But, it had to go back to court to be fixed. This time, the courts decided to take FOREVER! And I do mean F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! Tears were shed along the way. I threatened to go over to Ghana myself and sit outside the court house until I could get the documentation that was required. I begged. I pleaded. Finally, yesterday, the court decree came!
A whirlwind of paperwork began. I thought I was fully prepared with my I600's (all three of them), and I was, I just needed to go over each of them with a fine tooth comb and then again with a finer toothed comb and finally with something similar to a microscope :) I had all of the documentation I needed, but each I600, when we got done with it, had 15 pages of supporting documents. I had Cameron sit down with me, once I assembled Mary's I600 and I would do Nate's. Cameron would tell me each document that followed, in order, and I would find the corresponding document that represented Nate's case. Then we moved onto Isabella's. Each step of the process I would tell Cameron how he could NOT remove the paperclip. He needed to keep EVERYTHING in order. Don't drop a SINGLE piece of paper because if it's not right our case will be delayed or denied.
After getting all of the documents assembled, I sent Tim to make copies of everything (with explicit instructions on how exactly to make copies...). I know, you are probably thinking "he's an engineer... I think he would know how to make copies". Well, being the paper manager that I am in this household, it was VERY difficult for me to hand over the documents and let him make copies at all. The originals couldn't touch the copies - at any point in time for fear of getting mixed up and me sending the wrong thing or something that I didn't need to and eliminating something that I needed. There were folders... purple for originals, red for the copies. When he got home, I went through the packets AGAIN, drafted a cover letter to USCIS, filled out the e-notification form, binder clipped everything together and then went to the butcher block in the kitchen, called Cameron downstairs and asked him to count pages of the I600 packets.
He counted his, I counted mine and then I asked him how many pages he got. 19.... GREAT, so did I. Our packages, if not complete, were consistent! But I think that they are actually complete AND consistent.
Today I confirmed a few last minute things and at lunch Tim came and took them from my sweaty hands (gasp) and delivered them to FedEx. It was like he was taking away a fragile child... text me when you drop them off.... fax me a copy of the receipt and tracking number. Yes, I know. Control freak is written ALL OVER ME! I'm ok with that. This is THE LAST TIME I'm going through this process and I'm going to do it right! (yes, the last time unless God says differently)
I sent our cover letter to our case manager just to make sure we had included everything that we needed to in each package and told her if it needed anything additional to let me know. She said she could not think of anything other than to pray over it before I sent it off.
I prayed OVER it. I prayed ON it. I prayed NEXT to it. Prayed with my hands UNDER it. I prayed with it NEAR and I prayed with it FAR. I prayed while it was in TRANSPORT. Believe me, I prayed. I moved it from my controlling self, to God's infinitely more capable hands. Believe me when I say I would have liked to make that hand-off long ago, but God had it slated for today.
Isn't that interesting? It is to me... that all along, for the past 81 days God probably thought (not that I claim to know God's thoughts, figuratively speaking of-course) "what are you so anxious about? The time is not even near." He knew all would come together today. He knew I would make the hand-off today and He knew the sense of relief that would come over me today. It's now out of my hands. I can't do anything else. I can worry, which I'm sure I will, but it will do no good. God knows the day our I600 will be approved (because it WILL be approved) and He even knows the day my babies will come home. I find that fascinating.
I pray today that the FedEx people handle our package as if they are holding three precious lives in their hands, because technically, they are. Deliver our package in a timely fashion and please DO NOT LOSE IT!!!
I think I will rest easier tonight.....
In Christ,
Charity
ABC's of My Heart: C = Cannus
Luke 12: 27-28 - Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith!
So, you don't have a green thumb, but you want a plant that will look like you do, that will bloom all summer and is super hardy? Well, have I got the plant for you! Cannus.
This was not the post that I planned for my letter "C", but my original post just wouldn't come onto the page right, and it's too important of a topic to not give it my all. So, when I woke up this morning I decided to switch gears.
About five or so years ago we removed four huge trees from our front yard. They blocked all of the sunlight from our windows, they were so large that sun didn't hit the ground and the grass rarely grew. It made for a pretty ugly looking front yard. While I'm not a fan of cutting down all the trees on a piece of property, these just needed to go. In the place of the trees we built a large flower garden with landscape blocks. It has two levels and even has a water feature. I have always loved planting flowers so it was a perfect use of some of the space for me.
When we got the flower garden complete, it was time to fill it up. I had left a few small bushes from around the trees in it, but it was a large flower garden and the majority of it was bare. A blank canvas.
I like kind of unique plants. I went to a local green house and found things like pineapple lilly. I went to the day lilly farm and got some unique plants. My mom and Denis brought me some for my birthday. I still had a lot of space to fill though. At the time, a friend of mine was thinning out some of his flowers (I should have taken that as a clue!!!). He said I could come and get as many Cannus as I wanted. I took about 29 pieces of what looked like dead leaves and thought that would get me nowhere. I came home and planted them and sure enough, even though it looked like I just stuck a single leaf into the ground, it didn't take long and they were growing.
The first summer, nothing much happened. The second summer they looked great! They filled in nicely, they were so nice and green, and I had managed to get both red and yellow flowers. They were really pretty. Enter the third summer.....They grew. Not only did they grow, but they multiplied.... like rabbits! I soon realized why my friend had been thinning out his plants and why he said we could take as many as we wanted!
This spring I decided that the Cannus were just getting out of hand. We had spent several summers removing HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of Cannus from our flower garden. They are like gray hair I guess... you pull one and two more show up in its place. This year, I tried to KILL them. Tim, Cameron and I went out with shovels and tried to take them all out. We got the flower beds looking really nice, only to turn around about a week later and see little green leafs popping throught he mulch. The Cannus had returned. This past week when we got 10 straight days of rain... oh my how the Cannus loved it. They came back with a vengeance. Tim went out again and pulled more. An entire lawn and leaf bag full of them. Already I see some popping back up. We have tried spraying them with round up, digging down to the roots and yanking them out... nothing works.
So, if you don't have a green thumb, but really want to look like you do, plant Cannus. Put them in the ground, ignore them, water them occasionally, but only if you remember and watch them thrive like you've spent every day of every summer caring for them. Full sun, partial sun, shade, swamp land... they'll even grow through cracks in landscape blocks....they obviously aren't picky! They will make you look like a master gardener! Make sure you like them though, because you will NEVER get rid of them! And if you need some, I have HUNDREDS you are welcome to!
My original post was on child trafficking. A much heavier topic I must say. I just couldn't get it out on paper right. Maybe I can modify the title and make it a different letter post :) I just couldn't put it out there without really feeling like it was what I truly wanted to say. I didn't have the time to spend on it that I thought I would as adoption documents started moving this week and I've got three I600's to file!!! So, a bit lighter topic this week. Next week though... back to the heavy stuff :)
In Christ,
Charity
So, you don't have a green thumb, but you want a plant that will look like you do, that will bloom all summer and is super hardy? Well, have I got the plant for you! Cannus.
This was not the post that I planned for my letter "C", but my original post just wouldn't come onto the page right, and it's too important of a topic to not give it my all. So, when I woke up this morning I decided to switch gears.
About five or so years ago we removed four huge trees from our front yard. They blocked all of the sunlight from our windows, they were so large that sun didn't hit the ground and the grass rarely grew. It made for a pretty ugly looking front yard. While I'm not a fan of cutting down all the trees on a piece of property, these just needed to go. In the place of the trees we built a large flower garden with landscape blocks. It has two levels and even has a water feature. I have always loved planting flowers so it was a perfect use of some of the space for me.
When we got the flower garden complete, it was time to fill it up. I had left a few small bushes from around the trees in it, but it was a large flower garden and the majority of it was bare. A blank canvas.
I like kind of unique plants. I went to a local green house and found things like pineapple lilly. I went to the day lilly farm and got some unique plants. My mom and Denis brought me some for my birthday. I still had a lot of space to fill though. At the time, a friend of mine was thinning out some of his flowers (I should have taken that as a clue!!!). He said I could come and get as many Cannus as I wanted. I took about 29 pieces of what looked like dead leaves and thought that would get me nowhere. I came home and planted them and sure enough, even though it looked like I just stuck a single leaf into the ground, it didn't take long and they were growing.
The first summer, nothing much happened. The second summer they looked great! They filled in nicely, they were so nice and green, and I had managed to get both red and yellow flowers. They were really pretty. Enter the third summer.....They grew. Not only did they grow, but they multiplied.... like rabbits! I soon realized why my friend had been thinning out his plants and why he said we could take as many as we wanted!
This spring I decided that the Cannus were just getting out of hand. We had spent several summers removing HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of Cannus from our flower garden. They are like gray hair I guess... you pull one and two more show up in its place. This year, I tried to KILL them. Tim, Cameron and I went out with shovels and tried to take them all out. We got the flower beds looking really nice, only to turn around about a week later and see little green leafs popping throught he mulch. The Cannus had returned. This past week when we got 10 straight days of rain... oh my how the Cannus loved it. They came back with a vengeance. Tim went out again and pulled more. An entire lawn and leaf bag full of them. Already I see some popping back up. We have tried spraying them with round up, digging down to the roots and yanking them out... nothing works.
So, if you don't have a green thumb, but really want to look like you do, plant Cannus. Put them in the ground, ignore them, water them occasionally, but only if you remember and watch them thrive like you've spent every day of every summer caring for them. Full sun, partial sun, shade, swamp land... they'll even grow through cracks in landscape blocks....they obviously aren't picky! They will make you look like a master gardener! Make sure you like them though, because you will NEVER get rid of them! And if you need some, I have HUNDREDS you are welcome to!
My original post was on child trafficking. A much heavier topic I must say. I just couldn't get it out on paper right. Maybe I can modify the title and make it a different letter post :) I just couldn't put it out there without really feeling like it was what I truly wanted to say. I didn't have the time to spend on it that I thought I would as adoption documents started moving this week and I've got three I600's to file!!! So, a bit lighter topic this week. Next week though... back to the heavy stuff :)
In Christ,
Charity
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