ABC's of My Heart: E = Envy

1 Peter 2:1 - Therefore, rid yourselves of all malace and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.


Envy:

Noun A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.

Verb Desire to have a quality, possession, or other attribute belonging to (someone else): "he envied tall people"; "I envy Jane her happiness". Have you ever lived with envy in your heart?  I have.  I lived it for a long time.  It's difficult.  It's all-consuming. There have been many times in my life when I felt envy.  It creeps up all the time.  In most every aspect of your life you can find ways to envy.  It's not something conscious; no one wakes up and says "I think I will envy someone or something today".  It just happens.  It comes out of discontentment in your heart.  Discontentment for what God has so richly blessed you with. I'm going to be honest here and tell a story of myself.  I'm going to preface it with, I KNOW my feelings are envious and I battle them daily.  I fight envy with God's Word... but just because I fight the battle, does not mean I have won the war.  The war will only be won, when I'm taken to my eternal home.  But, know that I do fight it.  Know that I know it's wrong.  And also know that I don't let it get the better of me.  I recognize my sinful thoughts and I force myself to change. It's so easy to envy.  There are so many things, so many possibilities for envy to creep in.  Circumstances, money, home, children, grades, job, promotion, car, lifestyle, hair color, eye color, health, body build, relationship status... the list goes on and on.  The list is different for everyone. Tim and I are in the middle of a very stressful adoption right now.  It's getting better, but for awhile there, I found myself in tears quite a bit.  Things were just not going our way.  We were matched with our kiddos in February and went to court for them in March of this year.  Court happened without a hitch (many don't have that same blessing).  Then our troubles started.  We waited on our court decree.  You have to have the official, signed court decree before pretty much anything else can happen.  It was the bottle-neck in our adoption at this point in time. As we waited, I saw people who went to court the same time we did, get their documents and move on.  I saw people who had met their children AFTER we did, get their court decrees and move on.  I saw people who went to court AFTER we did, get their documents and move on.  It felt as though everyone was moving on but us. There were times when I felt very bitter.  Very resentful.  It took a look into God's Word to really set my mind straight.  God commands us to rid ourselves of envy.  Here I was sitting right in the middle of it.  I was surrounded by it.  My heart was full of it. I forced myself to stop and think about what I was envious of.  I was envious of the situation that other families were in.  Now mind you, many families were in much worse situations than we were in, and I didn't find myself envious of them.  I was envious of what I desired God to work out for my family, but wasn't.  I wanted God to intercede and He was not.  I was angry with families who were moving forward while my children, and our case was left sitting behind - going nowhere.  Completely unfair. Here's the thing though, I don't get to determine what is fair. God does.  Not only that, begrudging someone because of the blessing bestowed upon their case, in no way, shape or form changes my case.  Not only that, it doesn't change their case.  The only thing ENVY does, is eat away at the heart of the person who is carrying it around.  It also, in my mind, demonstrates the level of trust you have for God in your life, being sovereign and working things out for your good. I forced myself repeatedly to put my envy aside.  I struggled with it, but God battled with me, and we won.  What I really needed to look at - instead of the situation I WANTED for my life (that others had), was the situation that God gave me, and how I could use it for His glory.  It was a weekly, if not daily, if not hourly at times, struggle for me.  But God always stepped in and fought the battle with me.  I learned that I could be happy for others while in the middle of a difficult situation.  In the end, all that mattered was that children were moving forward in their adoption process.  Families were being united.  Kids were coming HOME!  It's the passion of my heart to see these things happen.  I was able to let go and let GOD! God left us in that waiting place for three months.  It was a LONG three months, but it could have been longer.  It could have been worse.  As time passes, I see circumstances that are happening that could not have happened if our case would have moved through the system quickly.  God-orchestrated things that I might not have experienced had I been given the opportunity to move things through the system quicker.  While it was difficult, I am beginning to see that God was working a timeline that I was not aware of.  That's the difficult part I guess - and it's where faith comes in.  Trusting in something you can not see.  If only God could have e-mailed me His timeline, His reasoning... but that's not God.  God is about faith.  And in the end, the true blessing is having faith come to fruition.  It's where I am now. My timeline had our kids home in June.  It's now almost August so obviously my timeline didn't happen.  But God's timeline is unfolding and I'm in awe of what is happening. The point is, envy is a slap in the face of God.  It's saying "I don't like what you've given me and I want more or I want different".  To overcome envy I truly believe you have to fight the battle with God's Word and then learn to appreciate all of the blessings God has given you and learn to celebrate with others the blessing God has given them. In Christ, Charity

ABC's of My Heart: D = Doubt

Psalm 94:19 - When anxiety (doubt) was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Well, I'm back at it this week.  Again, this is not the original post I was intending for my "D" post, but it is what I felt laid on my heart, so I decided to skip my original "D" post, and write this one.  The best laid plans are meant to be broken when the Lord lays something on your heart to write!

Tim and I opted to have a day of fun with Cameron yesterday.  Tim took the day off of work and we packed up early in the morning and headed to Carowinds with Cameron and his friend (our "adopted" son) Christopher.  I love these two boys!  Christopher is Cameron's best friend and they spend so much time at one another's houses, that we often joke that we share custody of the children.  It's a great relationship that they have.  

Anyway, we had plenty of time to talk as we drove the 2 1/2 hours back and forth.  Five hours in the car with two fourteen year olds is some good, quality talk time!

After a GREAT day at the park, we headed back home late.  I was thinking about the day as we were driving.  I kept telling Tim to watch for deer as we drove because the road we were traveling on was wooded and is known for deer crossings at inopportune times.  For some reason I got to thinking about a deer jumping from the side of the road, slamming into the side of the car, coming through the window and killing me.  Morbid, I know.  I sometimes can't help the things that I think about though.

Satan must have been hard at work in that car, because all of a sudden doubt started creeping into my head.  I began to wonder, well.... what IF that happened?  Now, I'm just being brutally honest here.  I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings or thoughts.  I'm pretty much a person who's known for "telling it like it is".  What if.... what if I think I'm saved, but I'm not?  For all of you hard-core Christians out there, I'm sure you sucked in a huge gulp of air and thought "no she didn't".  "How could a true Christian say such a thing".  Well, sorry... I am a true Christian, and I it's what I was feeling at the moment.  If we are all honest with ourselves, I'm sure at one time or another doubt has crept into your head / heart as well... It doesn't make me any "less saved", it probably just makes me HUMAN!  It got me thinking though....

So, I posed the question to everyone in the car.  Cameron - are you ready to die?  Yes.  Christopher - are you ready to die?  Yes.  Tim - are you ready to die?  Yes.  Of-course we had the lengthy discussion about wanting to die vs. ready to die.  I was talking about READY to die.  If they died, in the next second, would they have confidence in knowing that the next face they saw would be that of their Savior?  Yep, they were all confident.  So, what was wrong with ME????  We discussed it for awhile and eventually, the question came back to me.  Well mom, what about you?  I knew the question would come back to me, but I was avoiding it!  Here's the thought process I went through:

If I'm totally honest, I don't know.  I mean, I know the strength of my salvation and I know my faith is in none other than Christ Jesus, but I can't say that I never have a moment of doubt.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  Not doubt about Christ, but doubt about ME.  God is big enough.  He could pluck me up right now if He wanted to, with or without my making a decision for Christ (not that He WOULD, but he COULD).  He could do it against my will if He wanted to.  But He doesn't.  He wants it to be my choice.  I believe in the strength of the blood of Jesus Christ.  I believe that my sin sat upon his shoulders.  He bore the burden of my sin - both past, present and future.  He died before I lived and He died for me, knowing the full extent of the sins I would commit.  He bore them before I committed them.  He saved me in spite of them.  He saved me BECAUSE of them.  He died for me.  He was buried for me.  He rose for me.  I believe all of that.  I believe in HIM.

My problem lies in my humanity.  I can't help it.  I look in the mirror and I think - if it were true, if I were saved, wouldn't I be better?  Wouldn't I look more "different"?  Wouldn't I look less like the person I do right now, and more like Jesus?  I can truly say that upon my salvation, I changed.  My friends will attest to it.  I truly am a different creature.  I look though at  how much of the "old man" still lives in me.  I look at how much I feed the "old man" and I begin to wonder...  Was  it really Christ who changed me, or was it me trying to change me?  

In the end, I believe Christ changed me.  I believe that because I professed my faith in Him.  I asked Him to save me.  I asked Him to be Lord of my  life.  And the change in my life was more than I could have ever done on my own.  Ask Megan, ask Monica, ask Jaime (ok, maybe you don't know them, but they ARE real people :).  And in the end, I believe that Satan spurs and continues my doubt.  Satan feeds the doubt in your mind.  Satan LOVES nothing more than for you to wonder, because you can't live for the glory of God if you are wondering if you are even His.  You can't live for the glory of God if you are focusing on all that you still do wrong.  You can't live for the glory of God if you are a doubter.  You can be HIS, but you can't live for HIS GLORY.

I am His.  I know I am His.  I guess, after sifting through the truth and the lies, I am left with knowing that I am HIS.  My name is in the book.  The date of my birth into His family has been written and it can not and WILL NOT be erased.  I never thought of it that way before.  I often thought of my name in the book of Life as written.  Maybe it is actually written, I don't know, but I viewed it as written.  When I doubt, I see it in pencil...If it's written, it can be erased.  If not erased, my page could be torn out.  But after I just wrote that "the date of my birth into his family has been written"....it struck home with me.....

A mother has a child and the hospital documents the birth.  When I had Cameron, a birth certificate was given to me.  It documented the date and time of his birth.  More important than that though, was the date and time that was imprinted on my brain.  If our house caught on fire and the birth certificate was destroyed, that does not mean that Cameron's birth did not happen.  Sure, I could get another official birth certificate, but even if I couldn't, his birth would still exist.  The same is true of my birth in Christ.  I don't know if there is a real physical book.  I don't know, if when I get to Heaven, I'll see the penmanship of my personal Lord and Savior - what I do know is this.... 

No matter how many children I have (either through birth or adoption), I will always remember the date and time they became part of my family.  I will always know the date and time Cameron was born.  I will know where I was sitting when the judge in Ethiopia said "She is your daughter".  I know the way the room looks that I sat in, in China, when they said "You have passed!  There were no questions!  She is your daughter!".  I know the day my three Ghanian babies became mine forever.  I KNOW this.  You can't take it from me.  I don't need a birth certificate or a book to remind me of it.  Jesus is so much more of a parent than I am.  Jesus never forgets.  He knows all and remembers all.  Whether or not there is a book, I am written in the MIND and HEART of my Savior.  He will stand before His Father and say - She is with me.  Book or no book.  Literal or figurative...He will say,  "she is out family".  He knew me when He died at the cross.  He knew me when He was buried in the tomb.  He knew me when He rose from the dead.  And if He knew me before I ever was, He will know me when we meet again.

Doubt is a strong feeling / emotion - whichever it is.  But know this to be true.  My God is stronger.  Doubt may have its day, but God has me for eternity.  The only thing doubt can do, is prevent me from living my life for the full glory of God.  

I will continue to struggle with doubt, I'm sure.  But, when I lay my head down at night, I know that there is a Spirit living in me that will refresh my mind, that will renew my spirit and soothe my heart.  I know He is ALIVE in me.  

So, to make a long story short, if the deer smashed through my window as we drove home from Carowinds, would I be ready to die?  The answer is an unmistakable YES!  When I close my eyes for the very last time and when I take my last breath on earth - I will open my eyes in another place, fully sighted and looking into the eyes of the one who saved me.

Don't let doubt spoil your walk with God.  Don't let doubt stop you from living fully for the glory of God.  Fight doubt with truth.  The truth of God's word, because nothing will beat the power of Satan like the strength and truth of God's Word!

In Christ,
Charity

The Hand-Off

Psalm 94:19 - When anxiety (doubt) was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Yesterday was a pretty exciting day at our house.  We had been waiting EXACTLY 81 days for our court decree to be printed and signed.  Well, I take that back... during that 81 day time frame, we got some "teasers".  First the document was printed and signed and it was so wrong that the agency did not even send it to me for review.  Back to court it went.  The second time it was printed and signed it was sent to me by our agency and it had Isabella's birthdate incorrect.  She was given the exact same birth date as Mary - same year and everything.  Apparently they were twins... maybe Mary is just super tall and Isabella is tiny.  I could have been ok with that :)  But, it had to go back to court to be fixed.  This time, the courts decided to take FOREVER!  And I do mean F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!  Tears were shed along the way.  I threatened to go over to Ghana myself and sit outside the court house until I could get the documentation that was required.  I begged.  I pleaded.  Finally, yesterday, the court decree came!

A whirlwind of paperwork began.  I thought I was fully prepared with my I600's (all three of them), and I was, I just needed to go over each of them with a fine tooth comb and then again with a finer toothed comb and finally with something similar to a microscope :)  I had all of the documentation I needed, but each I600, when we got done with it, had 15 pages of supporting documents.  I had Cameron sit down with me, once I assembled Mary's I600 and I would do Nate's.  Cameron would tell me each document that followed, in order, and I would find the corresponding document that represented Nate's case.  Then we moved onto Isabella's.  Each step of the process I would tell Cameron how he could NOT remove the paperclip.  He needed to keep EVERYTHING in order.  Don't drop a SINGLE piece of paper because if it's not right our case will be delayed or denied.

After getting all of the documents assembled, I sent Tim to make copies of everything (with explicit instructions on how exactly to make copies...).  I know, you are probably thinking "he's an engineer... I think he would know how to make copies".  Well, being the paper manager that I am in this household, it was VERY difficult for me to hand over the documents and let him make copies at all.  The originals couldn't touch the copies - at any point in time for fear of getting mixed up and me sending the wrong thing or something that I didn't need to and eliminating something that I needed.  There were folders... purple for originals, red for the copies.  When he got home, I went through the packets AGAIN, drafted a cover letter to USCIS, filled out the e-notification form, binder clipped everything together and then went to the butcher block in the kitchen, called Cameron downstairs and asked him to count pages of the I600 packets.  

He counted his, I counted mine and then I asked him how many pages he got. 19.... GREAT, so did I.  Our packages, if not complete, were consistent!  But I think that they are actually complete AND consistent.

Today I confirmed a few last minute things and at lunch Tim came and took them from my sweaty hands (gasp) and delivered them to FedEx.  It was like he was taking away a fragile child... text me when you drop them off.... fax me a copy of the receipt and tracking number.  Yes, I know.  Control freak is written ALL OVER ME!  I'm ok with that.  This is THE LAST TIME I'm going through this process and I'm going to do it right!  (yes, the last time unless God says differently)

I sent our cover letter to our case manager just to make sure we had included everything that we needed to in each package and told her if it needed anything additional to let me know.  She said she could not think of anything other than to pray over it before I sent it off.

I prayed OVER it. I prayed ON it.  I prayed NEXT to it.  Prayed with my hands UNDER it.  I prayed with it NEAR and I prayed with it FAR.  I prayed while it was in TRANSPORT.  Believe me, I prayed.  I moved it from my controlling self, to God's infinitely more capable hands.  Believe me when I say I would have liked to make that hand-off long ago, but God had it slated for today.  

Isn't that interesting?  It is to me... that all along, for the past 81 days God probably thought (not that I claim to know God's thoughts, figuratively speaking of-course) "what are you so anxious about?  The time is not even near."  He knew all would come together today.  He knew I would make the hand-off today and He knew the sense of relief that would come over me today.  It's now out of my hands.  I can't do anything else.  I can worry, which I'm sure I will, but it will do no good.  God knows the day our I600 will be approved (because it WILL be approved) and He even knows the day my babies will come home.  I find that fascinating.

I pray today that the FedEx people handle our package as if they are holding three precious lives in their hands, because technically, they are.  Deliver our package in a timely fashion and please DO NOT LOSE IT!!!  

I think I will rest easier tonight.....

In Christ,

Charity

ABC's of My Heart: C = Cannus

Luke 12: 27-28 - Consider how the wild flowers grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,  how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith!

So, you don't have a green thumb, but you want a plant that will look like you do, that will bloom all summer and is super hardy?  Well, have I got the plant for you!  Cannus.

This was not the post that I planned for my letter "C", but my original post just wouldn't come onto the page right, and it's too important of a topic to not give it my all.  So, when I woke up this morning I decided to switch gears.  

About five or so years ago we removed four huge trees from our front yard.  They blocked all of the sunlight from our windows, they were so large that sun didn't hit the ground and the grass rarely grew.  It made for a pretty ugly looking front yard.  While I'm not a fan of cutting down all the trees on a piece of property, these just needed to go.  In the place of the trees we built a large flower garden with landscape blocks.  It has two levels and even has a water feature.  I have always loved planting flowers so it was a perfect use of some of the space for me.

When we got the flower garden complete, it was time to fill it up.  I had left a few small bushes from around the trees in it, but it was a large flower garden and the majority of it was bare.  A blank canvas.

I like kind of unique plants.  I went to a local green house and found things like pineapple lilly.  I went to the day lilly farm and got some unique plants.  My mom and Denis brought me some for my birthday.  I still had a lot of space to fill though.  At the time, a friend of mine was thinning out some of his flowers (I should have taken that as a clue!!!).  He said I could come and get as many Cannus as I wanted.  I took about 29 pieces of what looked like dead leaves and thought that would get me nowhere.  I came home and planted them and sure enough, even though it looked like I just stuck a single leaf into the ground, it didn't take long and they were growing.  

The first summer, nothing much happened.  The second summer they looked great!  They filled in nicely, they were so nice and green, and I had managed to get both red and yellow flowers.  They were really pretty.  Enter the third summer.....They grew.  Not only did they grow, but they multiplied.... like rabbits!  I soon realized why my friend had been thinning out his plants and why he said we could take as many as we wanted!

This spring I decided that the Cannus were just getting out of hand.  We had spent several summers removing HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of Cannus from our flower garden.  They are like gray hair I guess... you pull one and two more show up in its place.  This year, I tried to KILL them.  Tim, Cameron and I went out with shovels and tried to take them all out.  We got the flower beds looking really nice, only to turn around about a week later and see little green leafs popping throught he mulch.  The Cannus had returned.  This past week when we got 10 straight days of rain... oh my how the Cannus loved it.  They came back with a vengeance.  Tim went out again and pulled more.  An entire lawn and leaf bag full of them.  Already I see some popping back up.  We have tried spraying them with round up, digging down to the roots and yanking them out... nothing works.

So, if you don't have a green thumb, but really want to look like you do, plant Cannus.  Put them in the ground, ignore them, water them occasionally, but only if you remember and watch them thrive like you've spent every day of every summer caring for them.  Full sun, partial sun, shade, swamp land... they'll even grow through cracks in landscape blocks....they obviously aren't picky!  They will make you look like a master gardener!  Make sure you like them though, because you will NEVER get rid of them!  And if you need some, I have HUNDREDS you are welcome to!

My original post was on child trafficking.  A much heavier topic I must say.  I just couldn't get it out on paper right.  Maybe I can modify the title and make it a different letter post :)  I just couldn't put it out there without really feeling like it was what I truly wanted to say.  I didn't have the time to spend on it that I thought I would as adoption documents started moving this week and I've got three I600's to file!!!  So, a bit lighter topic this week.  Next week though... back to the heavy stuff :)

In Christ,
Charity

ABC's of My Heart: B = Blind

2 Corinthians 5:7 - For we walk by faith, not by sight

We're all born blind.  You don't believe me?  Well, it's true.  I'll tell you how.  But first, a story.

I was born with a condition that leads to blindness.  I spent a good portion of my youth without any symptoms.  I read like a champion.  I passed all my eye tests.  I loved schoolwork.  I was a great student.  I enjoyed drawing.  Nothing would have made you believe, that lurking in the background was blindness.  I turned 16 and got my driver's license.  No problem.  I was never really good at sports, but figured that was just me.  Not everyone is good at sports.  

Ok, our skiing didn't look EXACTLY like this, but close :)

I loved to water ski.  One day, I was water skiing with a friend behind our boat.  We were double skiing. I came into the wake at the same time she did.  We collided.  I didn't see it coming.  Accidents happen.  

I worked at a festival with my mom one summer.  It was the summer I turned 16.  My mom's work had a booth and they needed volunteers.  I was "volunteered" to volunteer.  I drove downtown and on the way, I got in an accident.  I didn't see a car that was in my blind spot as I switched lanes.  I was sure that I had looked.  Accidents happen.

I went off to college and got my degree in Chemistry.  Six month later, after a prolonged period of time running into people and feeling like a klutz, I called my eye doctor out of desperation.  I told him there was either something wrong with my eyes, or I was crazy.  Well, contrary to popular belief, I'm not crazy.  There was something wrong with my eyes.  I was diagnosed with a condition called Retinitis Pigmentosa.  It is a degenerative eye condition that robs you of your peripheral vision, color vision, night vision and depth perception.  I'm now legally blind with less than 10 degrees of vision.  My color vision is very poor.  I can only see certain colors with accuracy.  I  have limited depth perception and no night vision.  I'm blind.

Apparently there is the number "45" in here.  I had to ask my son, because I can't see it.

It was a series of "symptoms" that lead me to discovering my condition.  Interestingly enough, the discovery of this blindness led me to the realization that I suffered from two types of blindness.  One thankfully had a cure.  Retinitis Pigmentosa has no cure... but it lead me to discover my second blindness that indeed has a cure.  Look at my symptoms closely, you may see them in yourself and find you too have this secondary blindness and have not yet found the cure.

We are all born blind.  I said that in the beginning and left you to ponder over it.  You can ponder a little more as I describe  how I came to discover my primary (yet found secondarily) blindness.  As you can tell from my story above, you are able to go through life without realizing you have a lurking condition - a blindness.  I lived for 23 years before anyone diagnosed my eye condition.  I lived for an additional 8 years before the second condition came to light.  It was through symptoms that it too was diagnosed.

After being diagnosed with RP, I began to feel bitter.  I was angry, frustrated and suffered from the "why me" syndrome. I was determined not to let this condition get the best of me though, so I put on a happy face and moved forward through life.  What happened though, is when people got close to me, and I was comfortable enough with them, they saw the true me that was lurking underneath.  The one that was not as confident as I demonstrated on the outside.  The one that was scared in spite of my seeming courage.  They saw the anger that lurked beneath the smile.  They witnessed the frustration that was just beneath the surface of my seeming contentment.  Fear, anger, frustration, tears, discontentment.... all symptoms.  Do you recognize them?  If you do, it may be because you too, are blind.  You were born blind remember.  Some of you found the cure early.  I found it when I was 31.  The cure for my spiritual blindness.  

As I said, we are all born blind.  Spiritually blind.  We are not born with Christ in us.  We are not born with an eternal home with God.  We are born into sin and hardship.  We are born into selfishness.  Even the cutest baby is born into sin.  We have a sin nature.  This sin nature is the cause of our blindness.  We need to seek out the cure.  The cure is Christ.  

I accepted Christ into my life when I was 31 years old.  Accepting Christ into my life cured my spiritual blindness.  Since I was on a roll with God, I decided... if He can cure something as significant and eternal as my spiritual blindness, then surely He can and will cure my physical blindness.  I asked and I waited.  I've been waiting 10 years now.  In that time I have found victory over:

Anger

Fear

Resentment

Blame

Frustration

It's been replaced with purpose, security, contentment and joy.  It didn't happen overnight, but it has happened.  They say when you accept Christ in your life you become a new creature, and anyone who knew me in the years and even months prior to becoming a Christian and then who have witnessed the transformation after my acceptance of Christ into my heart will attest to the fact that I am indeed a new creature in Christ.  I trust in Him.  I trust in His provisions.  I am no longer afraid.  I am no longer angry when I ask God to cure my physical blindness and he says no, because I know He has a purpose for me and for this condition in my life.  

I was born twice blind.  God cured my spiritual blindness.  I'm so thankful.  I can live with the physical blindness, because I know I will spend eternity fully sighted in the presence of my Savior.  What good would physical sight do for me, for this short time on earth, without spiritual vision?  I'd be left, separated from my Savior in a literal hell.  I'm thankful that God chooses how and what to cure.  If given a choice, I probably would have chosen to have my physical blindness cured, because I was not even aware of my spiritual blindness for quite some time.  That would have been an awful mistake on my part.  God left me there in my blindness- digging myself deep into a pit of dispair and ugliness and then, when I called out, He met me there and brought me into the light.  

Most people aren't born both spiritually and physically blind... but do you know the symptoms of spiritual blindness?  They are different for everyone.  They may come in the form of addiction, greed, anger, vanity, discontentment, fear... the list goes on and on... but for all these things, there is one cure.  Jesus Christ.  Have you found the cure?  It's never too late - until you die.  I was 31.  How old were you when you found the cure?

Also, have you shared the cure with others?  I know if I found the cure to RP, I'd put it on the internet.  I'd shout it from the rooftops.  I'd go around the world giving it to others.  But what about the cure for spiritual blindness?  We are all a little more quiet about that.  Why not share it?  It's so much more important than any physical ailment.  Eternity depends on it!

Don't be blind any more.  Know the symptoms, seek the cure and share it with others!

Oh, and the answer  (cure) I have been waiting on God for, for 10 years now... the question I asked Him 10 years ago... to no longer be physically blind.  He's answered me.  He's told me "no".  I don't believe a cure will come for me.  I'm ok with that.  God gently gave me the answer, and with that came peace.  Peace and His provisions.  He must have something pretty special planned for me with this condition to leave me in it... because after all, I'm His child.  For Him to leave me like this, must mean there's a bigger and better reason for it that I'm just not yet aware of.  He wouldn't leave me this way otherwise.  I trust Him!  There is a reason and I'm content in His answer.

In Christ,
Charity   

ABC's of My Heart: A = Adoption

John 14:18 - I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you.

Surprise, surprise - my "A" is for adoption :)  I'm sure most of you are not surprised by that!  I'm thrilled that this is the first letter of the alphabet, the first week of our challenge of blogging through the alphabet and I get to write about ADOPTION!!! 

I would bet that for every person that thinks about adoption, they have their own personal opinion.  Domestic, International, adopt, don't adopt, you don't know what you're getting in to, it's corrupt, it's the perfect way to build a family, why not have your own kids, will the kids know they are adopted, tell them, don't tell them, diversity in families, they need to stay with their country / race, your family will stick out.... the list is endless.

Here's what I know about adoption.  It's a calling.  No one can disagree with what it is for my life and for the life of my family.  It is what it is for us, and for us it is a calling - straight from the heart of God and supported by His word!  Beyond that (even though that's enough for our family), it's about diversity.  It's about acceptance.  It's about unconditional love.  It's about going beyond the boarders.  It's about selfless love.  It's about sacrifice.  It's about joy!  It's about compassion.  It's about overcoming fear!  It's about sharing.  It's about living out what Christ did for us!  It's about knowing and understanding adoption is not for everyone.  It's about knowing it's OUR calling.  It's about sharing it with you.

God began working with me when I was young.  Before I was even a Christian God planted that seed in my heart.  I have been fascinated with adoption since I was a small child - as long as I can remember.  I was convinced I would one day adopt a child from Asia.  When I was probably about 8, I made porcelain dolls with my mom in a class, everyone else was making little white baby dolls - not me, I made a boy and a girl, both Asian.

I'm not against building a family "the old fashioned way".  In fact, my oldest son, although he looks NOTHING like me, came to me the old fashioned way :)  I wouldn't give up that experience for anything.  I LOVED being pregnant.  In fact, I had never felt better in my life.  I'm so glad I had that experience.  

After I had Cameron, his dad and I divorced.  I wondered what life would bring my way.  I knew I was not done having children.  I still had that urge to adopt.  I was a single mom though and finances were tight.  I was living in Michigan at the time.  Through some very unique circumstances, I ended up getting a job offer here in South Carolina.  It meant a very substantial raise for me, a lower cost of living, and a career track that was much better for me and my son.  I moved to South Carolina when Cameron was three - just about to turn four.  

My Cameron!

When I moved to South Carolina, I got plugged in with a church right away.  It was just a few months later and I became a Christian.  I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and was ADOPTED into His family.  God gave me, through Jesus Christ, THE perfect example of adoption.  Jesus sacrificed for me.  God accepted me into His family, with all my sin, as His very own.  I inherit the kingdom of God because I am His child.  Forever in His family!

THEN, and ONLY THEN did the ball begin to roll on adoption.  I was baptized into my faith the day before my 31st birthday.  June 22rd, 2003.  God moved mountains and I started the process to adopt from China in July of 2003.  Unbeknownst to me, a precious little girl was born in China on September 16, 2003.....

In July of 2004 I received THE CALL - I received the referral of a 10 month old little girl Dong Ai Yi.  She was in an orphanage in Yangdong City, Guangdong Province, People's Republic of China.  In China, there is obviously an issue of overpopulation.  The government in China has instituted a "one child" policy.  Sadly, for most families, the desire to have a boy stems more from financial need than from a "dislike" of girls.  In China, males are typically the breadwinners.  In addition, when a man and woman marry, they separate from the woman's family, not emotionally, but when it comes to physical care of the parents, the parents are cared for by the male child and his wife.  No male child, no aged parent care.  It's sad, I know, but it's how things are in China.  I can turn my head from them and pretend that it isn't so, or I can make a difference.  Not for all, but for one!  

Anna Clare AiYi Roach

On October 8th, 2004, my life was forever changed.  I was handed a tiny bundle of beauty.  Her name was Dong AiYi.  She was abandoned for the fact that she was a girl.  She was entrusted into my care.  On October 9th, 2004 she officially became my daughter and is now my Anna Clare AiYi Roach.  Forever my daughter.  Her life forever changed.  My life forever changed.  She and I, along with her 5 year old brother and her grandparents, traveled home to the US and she became a US citizen upon landing.  She was exactly 13 months old.  Today she is 9 - anxiously awaiting her 10th birthday!  I have been blessed by adoption for that long!  I will always have a tie to the country that gave me my first adopted blessing, and my first daughter!

In 2006 Tim and I married.  Believe it or not, on our first date, I had three questions for Tim.  No sense going any further if his heart was not in the same place as mine, because I surely felt God had more in store for me, and I wasn't going to mess with God's plans that had to this point been nothing short of AWESOME.  Question 1 - Could you love my son as your own?  Question 2 - Would you be willing to adopt Anna as your own daughter?  Question 3 - Would you be open to expanding our family through another adoption?  I know.... talk about freaking a guy out!  It was important to me though.  Unless his answers were Yes, there was no need to move forward.

We moved forward, so obviously the answer was yes to all three.  In late 2006 we were married.  In June 2007 Tim adopted Anna as his daughter.  

My beautiful treasure from China!

In 2008 we began the process of another adoption - we tried to adopt from Vietnam (the country closed to US adoptions).  We moved our dossier to Kyrgyzstan (the country closed to US adoptions).  We decided to take a step back and really consider whether God was moving us in the direction of adoption.  We were confident that he was.  God loves the orphan!  In late 2009 we began the process to adopt from Ethiopia.  We didn't know it at the time, but our daughter was already born when we started the process.  In a small village in Ethiopia there was a beautiful child, left to be cared for in an orphanage at a very early age.  Little information was known about her.  Her name was Edom.  No last name - just Edom.  In late 2009 our dossier was sent to Ethiopia.  We decided that an older child - maybe a toddler was the best fit for our family.  In June 2010 we received the referral of Edom X, now our Sara Joy Edom Roach.  

Sara - our very first glimpse of her at the transition home in Ethiopia.  Wasn't she just BEAUTIFUL?

As we learned more about her story, we learned she was born to a young woman in a village near Addis Ababa.  She was very young and did not have much money.  She wanted to finish school.  She needed to make money for her family.  She left her child in the care of the orphanage and allowed her to be placed for adoption.  

In September 2010 we traveled to Ethiopia and attended court for our precious daughter.  We came back home and waited for Immigration approval.  One month later, we traveled back to Ethiopia to bring her home.  She was 19 months old when we stepped on US soil and she became a US citizen.  2 1/2 years have passed and every day is a blessing with this little girl.  We again have a tie to a country we never imagined we would.  We are forever grateful to the people of Ethiopia who entrusted us with this precious little girl.

Children in Ethiopia are in different circumstances than children in China.  Children in Ethiopia are orphaned due mainly to poverty and death of their parents due to illness.  Again, we could not help them all, but we could help one.  Forever our daughter.  No longer an orphan.  

Sara Joy Edom Roach

We thought we were done.  Our family complete.  God had other plans for our family though.  In 2011 we began to feel the call to adopt again.  We honestly thought ourselves that we were crazy.  No need to share it with others and have them tell us they thought we were crazy!  Certainly God was not talking to us, not calling us to adopt again.  We were nervous.  I was working at the time and I was working long, stressful hours.  Tim was working long, stressful hours as well.  We didn't feel like we had enough time for the kids currently in our home, let alone adding another, but the tug on our heart was clear.  We couldn't deny it.  We began thinking about countries.  We felt our best bet was an adoption from India.  We started the process and believe it or not, got scared.  Like "terrified" scared.  We lost some money, but had not gotten too far in the process when we decided we needed to wait.  We need to hear God louder (and boy was He going to speak louder to us!!!).

We listened and He still told us adoption was in our future.  We considered domestic adoption.  We contacted agencies and even began a birthmother letter.  We followed some leads as we were open to biracial or minority adoptions... but nothing panned out like we thought.  Then we were contacted by a friend (who coincidently adopted the same time we did from Ethiopia) regarding a child in Ghana.

Ghana... really?  I never thought of adoption from Ghana.  Well, this friend was the instrument God used to pry our minds open to Ghana.  The child that was initially presented was not the one for our family due to some circumstances that we weren't prepared for in terms of the process of adopting from Ghana.  Instead we looked at some children available from an orphanage in Ghana.  I found a four year old girl - Isabella.  She was not what we had expected in terms of a child.  We were looking for a child younger than Sara who was 3 at the time - NOT older.  I knew when I saw her face though, that it was the face of my daughter.

The picture that captured my heart - I knew she was our daughter!  Our Isabella!

Isabella - our FINAL adopted treasure.  Our last ONE.  Ghana, our final country of adoption.  The end of the story was now known.  Or so we thought.... through a series of events that could have only been orchestrated by the hand of God, we learned through another adoptive family that had traveled to Isabella's foster care home just the WEEK before we were to leave to Ghana to meet her, that Isabella had an older half brother and half sister.  We wrestled with the thought.  I said no.  I'm NOT adopting three.  God laughed I'm sure :)

We decided to travel to Ghana to meet Isabella, and since the other two children were in the same foster care home, we would meet them as well.  The word "LOVE" does not express what we felt for all three of these kids.  They were ours.  They were family.  They were our treasures.  They were my son and daughters!  Ghana gave us THREE blessings.  We are currently waiting for our Mary, Nate and Isabella to come home to us.  We passed court for the three of them in Ghana in March of this year.  Due to some unforeseen delays on the Ghana side, they are not yet home, but we are preparing for their homecoming and pray that it is soon!  Ghana blessed us three times over.  Three - orphans no more!  Three children finding a forever home!

Blessed three times over with our oldest Ghanian daughter Mary, middle son Nathaniel and youngest Ghanian our Isabella!

In Ghana, as in Ethiopia, children are orphaned due mainly to poverty and death of their parents to illness.  AIDS is a common culprit.  Our childrens' parents are living.  The kids and their mom were abandoned by their father after the kids were born.   The mom tried desperately to raise the children, even asking for assistance from extended family, but eventually the children had to come back to her and she could not care for them on her own.  She made the difficult decision to place them in orphanage care and place them for adoption.  We are so thankful for the choice that she made and the people that she placed our now children with.  We will forever be grateful to Ghana for entrusting us to these three beautiful treasures.  We are forever tied to their birth country!

When you look at our family, you can't help but see diversity. There are two white parents, one half white / half Korean son, one Chinese daughter, one Ethiopian daughter and soon to be three Ghanians (one son and two daughters) at our dining room table.  In my mind, nothing could be more beautiful, with the exception of adding more diversity.  Our family is not typical, but it is beautiful.  Our family is unique. It represents LOVE though - love and acceptance for all, regardless of race, regardless of age, regardless of original expectations of what our family would look like, regardless of country of origin.... Beautiful regardless!

Did you know that there are an estimated between 132 and 142 million orphans in the world?  Look through this post... see the pictures of my children (with the exception of Cameron)?  These were the faces of orphans - ONCE orphans - five of them, but orphans no more!  Adoption is such a beautiful way to build a family.  I can't think of a way that God has blessed me more - through my own adoption into His forever family and through the blessing of adoption of five of my children into my life.

I never would have in a million years thought when that adoption seed was planted so long ago, that I'd adopt not just one but FIVE! And not just from Asia, but spanning two continents and three countries.  

There are so many questions related to adoption that families might have when thinking about the adoption process and the possibility of adoption for their family:

Will I be able to love this child like my own?  The answer to that is NO.  You will not be able to love an adopted child LIKE they are your own, because they ARE your own.  I see absolutely NO difference in my love for my adopted children and my bio child.  No difference at all.  They become yours.  They don't become "like yours".  Your heart will accept them fully.  The only example worth of giving is how Christ accepted me.  He doesn't love me "like" I'm His.  He loves me AS His.  It's a fair question though.  Many people wonder if they can love a child that is not biologically theirs as much as one that is.  I can only go from my own personal experience, and that answer is yes.  I did and I do.  No difference.

I'm single.  Does God call me to care for the orphan?  Yes.  God does not specify that you have to be married to care for the orphan.  I adopted as a single parent.  Unfortunately, while God does not limit us in our caring for the orphan as single parents, some countries do.  There are countries that will not allow adoption of children to single parents.  I was very lucky in that when I adopted Anna, China allowed adoption to single parents, although the number was limited. While China no longer allows adoption of children to single parents (except for maybe special needs children) there are many countries that do allow adoption to single parents.  You just need to dig deep into the country requirements and find the country that works for you.  It might be right here in the US!

What about finances?  Isn't adoption expensive?  How could we afford it?  It's true.  Adoption is expensive.  International adoption as well as domestic adoption can be very expensive. International adoption has an added expense of travel to / from the country of origin of the child, at least in most cases.  Some countries allow children to be escorted home.  I am not going to go into detail here regarding adoption expenses.  I typically only discuss that information with people who are seriously interested in adoption.  One thing that must be made clear - there is no "cost" associated with my child.  I did not spend any money "purchasing" my children.  Fees associated with adoption, both International and Domestic are directly related to work that is required to legally adopt children.  Attorneys are paid, Agencies that coordinate adoptions are paid.  In some cases, the legitimate expenses of the birth mother are paid.  In International adoption, overseas attorneys are paid.  Immigration fees.  Foster care fees.  I did not pay for my child.  Each child is priceless.  The adoption process is what holds the expense.  While adoption is expensive, there are ways to help off-set the cost of adoption.  Depending on financial situations, there are grants available.  Fundraisers are plentiful.  Additionally there is a federal adoption tax credit that is currently in place that is available once your adoption is complete.  Finally, in many states foster care / adoption is not nearly as expensive, most time the families only pay for the cost associated with the home study, if even that.  I've put my contact information at the end of the post if you would like to discuss the financial aspect with me further.

I wouldn't know where to begin even if I wanted to adopt!  That is where other adoptive families come in.  We can be a wealth of free information to help start your process.  Additionally, for country specific information, a reputable adoption agency will help walk you through the process required for each country.

Won't my family "stick out" if my children don't look like me?  Well, sure.  No one looks at my family and thinks, "Wow, those kids look exactly like their parents".  None of my kids look like me... even the one that is biologically mine.  I often play the game of - which one of these kids is not like the other.  It's funny the responses I get.  One lady said that Sara (my daughter from Ethiopia) looked exactly like me!  I had to laugh at that!  I was never hung up on whether my children would look like me.  First, I don't find myself super attractive where I'd want to bless my children with my physical appearance.  Second, as I said, just because a child is born to you, it doesn't mean he / she will look like you.  My family is not the typical family - and I find that beautiful.  The diversity in our family opens the door for people to ask about and for me to talk about the JOY of adoption!

I'd love to share more of my adoption journey with you.  If you are a family considering adoption and have any questions regarding it, I'd love to answer any questions you have.  I can tell you how we managed financially.  I can tell you our fears, our hopes, our desires.  I can tell you the work that goes into it and the LOVE that comes out of it.  I can tell you the pain of the process and the JOY of the journey.  Why NOT consider adoption?  Why not give a home to a child in need?  Some of the children most in need are older children, sibling groups and special needs children - even children with minor, correctable special needs.  Could you open your heart and your home to one (or more) of these kids?  

If you have any questions regarding adoption, again, please do not hesitate to contact me:  You can friend me on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/charity.roach
You can post a comment on this blog post (see comments below)
Or you can send me an e-mail directly to Charity .  I'd love to answer any questions you might have.  Nothing regarding adoption is off limits for those who are seriously interested in learning more about adoption.  

Adoption is not "second best".  Adoption is not a "last resort".  Not for our family.  For our family, adoption is nothing short of a miracle.  Each of our children have been woven into the fabric of our family creating the most unique, beautiful fabric I could ever imagine.  A is for "Adoption"!

In Christ,
Charity

ABC's of My Heart

Starting this week, you will begin to see posts of mine and linked to it will be posts for several other Facebook friends (some I know, some I just met) that are doing a challenge with me of blogging through the alphabet.  

I personally will be writing about random topics associated with the letter of the week.  Some of the other ladies will be blogging on specific topics of their choice, but all blogs will be related to the corresponding alphabet letter for that week.  

I've titled my series - The ABC's of My Heart, because it's just that... topics that are near and dear to my heart.  My passions. Things that I love.  We are kicking off the series this week, so by Friday you will see my "A" post and linked to it will be the post to the other ladies who are blogging with me.

Thanks Rebekka for inviting me and putting the challenge together.  It'll be a good way for me to put in words things that are near and dear to my heart as well as learn more about other friends - both old and new.

Anyone (other than the blog ladies who already know what my topic is) have any guesses as to what my "A" post will be???  Hint - It's my NUMBER ONE PASSION and I'm overjoyed that it's the first letter of the alphabet - making this week easy!!!

In Christ,
Charity