This is not adoption related... or family related... it's kinda just "me" related. I guess I'm part of the family though, so that would by default make it family related... but I digress :)
Yesterday a song by Kutless started resonating with me - I hope not for any particular reason. "If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted, to the God who gives and takes away?" the lyrics really got me thinking... so much so that they are still resonating with me today (again, I hope for no particular reason). It made me start thinking about what was really important to me, and what I would do if I lost those things. Would I curse God? Would I demand from Him to know why? Would I turn my back on God? Would my life fall apart, or would I pick up the remaing pieces and thank God for those? It makes you think.....
There are so many things I could do without. There are things that if I lost, would tear my heart out. Then there are things that I really don't care about. It surprised me what fell into what categories, when I seriously started thinking about it.
All the monetary things in the world - when put into perspective with the things that I REALLY care about - they mean nothing. The nice car, the nice house, the newest this.. the nicest that... it really doesn't matter. I know that it would change my life completely if all those things were gone. It would change my life completely though more in terms of an adjustment, than thinking that I could not live without them. I'm not saying it would not be difficult, because I'm sure it would. If Tim and I lost our jobs today, I would be devestated. I would wonder how we would provide for our family. I would wonder how we would keep our house. I would wonder how we would pay for their school. With nothing else to think about, I'm sure these things would bother me.
But when you can sit back and take time and think about it, it's easy to put it into perspective. I worry about finances, our home, our car - because what I really care about are the ones that we use these things to provide for. I really care about Tim and my children. Not the house, but who lives in it. Not the car - but can we all fit in it? Not the money, but will we be able to provide food for our family.
I guess if I lost all of the monetary things, my hands would still stay lifted.
What about the other things though. My family, the health of my family, my health? What if these things were taken from me? Then would my hands stay lifted? Not so sure. My guess is that they would come down for a bit. Just being honest. Then I would pray that they would slowly raise again. I love my God. My God is Great. My God is merciful! I wonder if I would remember that though, if my family were taken from me. What if my children were somehow hurt - it would kill me. Would I still praise God? Probably not whole-heartedly for awhile.
I often think about my eyesight. I praise God for the sight that I have left - because He has allowed me to have some left. But what if tomorrow he decides to take it all away. I praise God now because even though it is difficult, it is still managable? What if tomorrow I woke up and all my sight was gone. Life would be so different. So much more difficult. My life would be impacted, our finances would be impacted, my future would be impacted - would I praise God then? Simply for giving me breath and carrying me thru? I wonder.... I can't say that I would raise my hands...
I can say this though - I would still love God. I would not be happy with God, but I would still LOVE God. My kids don't always like me, and that's ok, because I know they always LOVE me. I would always love God. My conversations with Him would be harsh, questioning probably with a tinge of anger - but my conversations would be with HIM. The fact that I really believe I would be talking to Him I think would be enough for me and for Him for a period of time. God doesn't need me, He doesn't need my conversations - I know that. But I also know that in everything, I need Him.
So, if I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted? Probably not. Would they be lifted again - I think so, and I sure hope so.
Not sure why this has been sitting on my heart for the past two days....