The other day, I posted this as my status on facebook:
Why do I struggle in His hands when I know He carries me to safe places? I'm like a small child struggling from their mother's arms, wanting independence and control, getting down only to get lost. Thank God He is the ultimate father - just like a mother always seeks her child, God always seeks me - even when I struggle away from His grasp. I've never gone too far. I need to settle in and be carried by Him.
I wanted to take some time and kind of explain what I meant. When this thought came to mind, I was getting the kids ready for school / childcare one morning. Specifically, I was doing Sara's hair. Sara is 19 months old and a bit of a wiggle worm. She does not like to get her hair done, although she is learning that it is a daily necessity. Anyway, on this particular day, she was not really wanting to cooperate. She was wiggling all over while I was trying to put ponies in her VERY curly hair. As she was wiggling around and I was trying to keep hold of her head, the thought I wrote above came to mind.
Why is it that I wiggle and squirm until I am outside of the hands that I know guide me to saftey? Once I wiggle free of God's hands, I feel like I have accomplished something. Like I have achieved something big. Sara does the same thing. If I'm holding her, and she decides she wants to get down, she wiggles and squirms until she is out of my arms. She then stands there, looks very pleased with herself, smiles and then goes about business under her own will and her own control. She doesn't seem to understand that trouble lurks everywhere. How can I expect a small child to understand the need to stay in safe hands, when I, as an adult seem to have days where I can't grasp that concept?
I think it is in our nature to want to "control" our own lives. No one likes to be told what to do. We like to give ourselves the freedom to make our own choices and deciding what will benefit us more than others. It's only natural. God's way is not the natural way - until you make it your natural way.
Living in the comfort of God's safe hands, is not "comfortable" at first. I remember when we first met Sara - she wanted nothing to do with us. She litterally cried at the sight of us, and when we held her, she arched her back and held her arms out to her nanny. It was what she knew. She didn't know that I had more to give her. I would love her forever. I would not just meet her needs, but I would help her to thrive. After a few days, she would allow us to hold her. One day she fell asleep in my arms. It was such a joy for me. I handed her over to Tim so he could feel her resting comfortably in his arms as well. Today, she falls asleep each night in my arms. She reaches to me to hold her. I don't have to beg her to be with me - she reaches for me and I'm there for her. As she learns to trust and obey me, I can give her more freedom, because she will respond to me if danger is near. I can learn from this.
I have never truly rested in the hands of God. I have been testing this water, but I quickly seek an opportunity to control my own destiny. It has been an ideal time lately as our future at work is so uncertain. I don't really "seek" opportunities to control my future... I just respond at the first opportunity I have to make a decision - so I feel like I am in control. I have begun to make a conscious decision to rest. I am trying really hard to just climb into God's hands and let Him lead me. I'm not good at it yet. I'm like Sara. I hope soon I will fall asleep peacefully in the arms of God and then learn to reach for Him, knowing and trusting that He will carry me. It's a very hard lesson to learn. But at this time in my life, there has never been a more appropriate time to test that water. I'll let you know how I do!