I know I don't make the record books for the longest "paper pregnant" person, but it sure does feel like it at times. I don't understand why it has been so difficult for us to bring home our daughter!!! When I went through the process to adopt Anna, it took me on year from my start of contacting agencies, to referral. Anna is from China. I was home with her 14 months after I started the process. I know to adopt from China today, you can expect to wait 5 years for a referral. God had a plan for me and Anna. I'm thankful that it did not take 5 years for me to bring my baby girl home. I know God has a plan for our family and our Sara Joy as well.... I just wish it was not taking so long.
When we first started this adoption process 2 1/2 years ago, we gleefully announced to all of our friends that we hoped to have our daughter home with us from Vietnam in the Spring of 2008. I had two friends that were expecting at the time we made our announcement that we were adopting. We were all excited to be going through this phase of life - albeit differently - together. One of them has a little girl who will soon turn two and the other has a little boy about 18 months and is expecting again. And here I am... still "paper pregnant". Although I have little twinges when I hear someone is expecting, it's not because I'm not happy for them, it's just that I want my little girl to finally be home!
The saddest part is, that Tim and I could have a biological child. It would not be good for me, with my eye condition, but it is possible. We could've had a couple kids by now... but it's not the way we want to continue to build our family. I don't really have that "desire" like I did when I was expecting Cameron. I had a HUGE desire to be pregnant. I don't anymore... although I LOVED being pregnant (I mean seriously, loved, loved, loved it), if you gave me a choice today to have another biological child or expand our family through adoption, I would choose adoption. I have a HUGE desire to adopt. I just don't understand why it has to take so long.
There are millions of children in Ethiopia in need of a home. Why can't I have one? I don't want one that already has a home, I want one that needs a home. Should it really take this long? I don't think so. But again, I know God has a plan, and I'm in it with Him to bring our daughter home. I just hope I'm not like 80 before that happens :)
Someday, I will stand before God - thankfully, only for the blood of Christ covering me, I will be allowed in. I wonder if you get some time with God when you first get there. If I do, I've got a lot of questions for Him. They all start with "Why". Why did my dad have to die when I was only 28? Why did He take my dad before I could get to his side? Why did I have to have this eye condition? Why did He allow Vietnam to close to adoptions? Why could our daughter not come from Kyrgyzstan? Why did the journey to Sara Joy take so long? Why was this adoption desire placed in my heart so long ago?
I believe that I know some of the answers to these questions, but I would like them confirmed. I don't know why my dad had to leave this earth at such a young age, but my guess I didn't make it there in time because God was protecting me. It would have KILLED me to see my dad leave this earth. God made provisions though for me to tell my dad exactly how I felt about him before he left. God used my dad's wife Brenda. She read a letter to my dad, from me, right before he died. It was everything I would have wanted to say if I were there with him, but probably would not have been able to. The eye condition - I think it keeps me humble. It demonstrates to me on a daily basis that I am not in control. I can not provide for myself. God will provide for me. As for the adoption - I'm not sure. We so want our Sara Joy home and to me it seems senseless for her to be anywhere but with us. I'm sure she needs us and much as we want her home.
Well, for now, I have no answers, so we just continue to wait. Hopefully sometime soon we will have news of our referral and finally see the face of our Sara Joy!