I'm beginning to feel desperate. I'm not sure why... maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's excitement - but it feels like desperate. I'm getting desperate to meet my daughter. It sounds odd, but I can't explain it any other way. This weekend I spent a few days with my mom and we did some shopping to get some things that Tim and I needed for the trip to Ethiopia. We are getting SO close. As we were out shopping, I was fine. My mind was occupied and I had things to get done. Plus, my mom and I were just having a great time. But at night, when we would settle in and watch some television together, or as we were talking over dinner... I'd get this strange pressure in my chest and my stomach would have almost like "butterfly" feelings in it... although they would have been some big, angry butterflies the way they were making my stomach feel. Anyway, I wondered why I felt this way.
Yesterday I got a message from a friend in Ethiopia who works with the orphanage my daughter is in. He gave me some insight into Sara's life and her little personality... and then he sent me a picture of her. That same feeling came back. It's a feeling of wanting to leave right then, ready or not, to get my daughter. It's wondering how it is right that she is on the other side of the world completely oblivous to the fact that I will soon come to beg whoever I need to beg (I know, I don't have to beg, but I would) for them to allow me to be her mother. It's looking forward to having my heart broken when I have to leave her after this trip - knowing that it brings me SO much closer to having her home with me. It's the feeling of looking forward to court and hopefully leaving the room KNOWING she is FOREVER my little girl!!!
I also found out yesterday that we will meet Sara's biological mother in court. I have mixed feelings about that. Part of me wonders how I will look into her eyes, knowing I am leaving with her daughter. I can imagine it will break her heart, and her heart broken will break mine. I'm wondering how I will feel if she is NOT heart broken. I'm not sure how that could be, but I'm not sure which would be worse. I am glad that I will be able to tell Sara something about her mother, but wonder if that is the best thing for Sara. Will I be angry because she left Sara? I'm hoping I will be at peace knowing that this is working out for the best for our family, for Sara and for Sara's mother. I hope when we leave I will know that she was wise in the decision she made to leave Sara with us, and I pray that she will know that we are the right family for this little girl. It's all so hard. This was not an issue in our adoption of Anna. We had NO opportunity to meet Anna's mother, so it wasn't something I had to think about. I always felt horrible knowing I would have nothing to tell Anna about her birth family. Now that I have this opportunity, I'm not sure which situation is more difficult. We'll see I guess.
I am SO thrilled about seeing my little girl though!!! The excitement is building and like I said, the only word that comes close to describing it is "desperate".
After my picture yesterday from Ethiopia, I came home today to an e-mail from a friend. She was sent pictures of her little boy, and she shared those pictures with me. In those pictures were my little Sara Joy as well as her son! I was SO thrilled to see her interacting with other children! It was great to see her!
I'm so looking forward to getting my arms around her!!!